When to tell child about biological parent

DEAR ELLIE: My new husband treats my son like his own. He’s a very loving and caring father. I couldn’t be happier. However, my child’s “father” (I use the term loosely) is still alive and well. I haven’t heard from him for most of my child’s life (a good thing).

But when do I tell my son? When he asks whether his dad is really his dad? Or at a certain age?

My son’s only three and a half, but I’m afraid one of his classmates will point out that he and my husband don’t look alike.

I don’t want my child involved with my ex at all. I won’t describe how horrible a person he was, but simply say, “we didn’t get along.” — When To Tell?

ANSWER: Be prepared, not scared. He could ask any time.

There are bitter feelings evident in your email. You have your reasons, but when your son first starts to inquire, you’ll need to keep them from your voice and facial expressions.

You don’t want him to feel connected to people or events that harmed you.

It’s not too soon to talk to a professional guide on this topic — e.g. a family counsellor, or a psychologist.

Your husband should also be aware of what’s advised re: how much information to divulge at what age.

Reader’s Commentary “I work as a medical interpreter, trained to interpret what’s said- word for word — with impartiality and confidentially.

“During a recent assignment, I was mortified by two young doctors (“Doctor A” and “Doctor B,” who’s a resident in training) who made a home visit to a man, 58, with cancer and on palliative care.

“The patient’s wife was clear at the beginning, that the man didn’t want to discuss anything about his imminent death, only pain management and his personal care.

“As “Doctor B” bombarded him with questions, such as “how do you feel having to depend on your wife?” “Doctor A” propped her feet on the patient’s bed while taking notes.

“She then asked the patient if he wanted to be revived when his heart stopped. He hadn’t wanted this discussion, but responded yes, he’d like to be revived.

“Doctor A” argued that he shouldn’t be revived because since he was so ill, why not let nature take its course? “How dare she be so disrespectful? “She then went into detail on how much worse his life would be if he were revived... he might’ve become brain-damaged, etc. I had to interpret all of that. “It was a horror show. “Those doctors need a healthy dosage of manners, sensitivity, common sense, and human respect.”

ANSWER: I agree that those doctors’ manners were insensitive and disrespectful regarding the wife’s instructions. You’ve raised an upsetting complaint, which will undoubtedly prompt readers’ responses.

You could take it to your employer and/or report to the oversight board in your area that deals with doctors’ behaviour.

Dealing with dying patients isn’t easy on any professional involved. Eventually, the wife’s request had to be met by someone explaining some realities to be faced.

She should’ve been asked when the patient (or she, if she has power of attorney) would be able to consider end-of-life decisions.

However, the doctor’s point wasn’t inaccurate: If a dying person is revived from heart failure, then found to be severely brain-damaged, the caregiver/family must ultimately think about choice, even if the patient won’t.

Then, legal and moral issues get weighed, according to the jurisdiction where they live.

DEAR ELLIE: I’d thought my angry 19-year-oldson would outgrow his “hatred” for me.

But recently I learned from a professional that he’s likely the victim of Parental Alienation syndrome.

This is a warning to other families, plus advice-seeking for those who’ve endured this.

Since his father and I divorced, my son turned from a loving, happy, self-assured boy, into a sullen, dark young man who grew to detest most everything I said or did.

After visits with his dad, he was sometimes violent — hitting me and telling me “secrets” his father shared with him about why he left.

These included accusing me of spending child support money on myself. The “secrets” were all untrue stories.

My son once said, “My dad wants me to hate you, and it’s working.”

He started dressing like his father and talking like him.

A counsellor advised not to defend myself, that my son would eventually realize that I’m a good loving mother.

Eight years later, he’s moved away, suffers from anxiety, and bouts of depression.

He rarely phones and doesn’t return calls or texts. He’s now shutting off my side of the family, claiming frivolous reasons. He even refuses to see his grandmother. He has low self-esteem. My research online has identified this as a common outcome for children who are turned against a “targeted” parent. What can I do to repair what’s been lost? — Broken-Hearted Mom ANSWER: Any “repair” has to be done by him, should he ever choose to pursue it.

Your own information, if shared during this negative period, would only be rejected and resented.

Instead, let him know that despite what he feels, your love for him is still available if he ever wants it.

The advice not to be defensive and argue against his father’s version, still applies.

But it’ll help you to seek counselling again to heal your own hurt and also learn if there are new approaches being considered in such very sad cases.

TIP OF THE DAY Every child who wants to know about his/her biological parent deserves an age-appropriate answer.