Woman fears stance on kids a deal-breaker

DEAR ELLIE: I recently started a longdistance relationship with a man I met in Costa Rica.

I’ve visited him again once; we’re now doing the paperwork needed for him to visit me for several months.

We’ve declared ourselves exclusive and serious. Today, while video chatting, he said he wants to have children. I’m 28, and he’s 36. I said I’ve been dead set against having children my entire life.

He said he loves me, and wants to be with me even if I don’t want children. But I don’t want him to later regret spending time with me when he could’ve been raising a family. Is there a compromise? Should I let him go? —No Kids

ELLIE: There’s not much “compromise” regarding raising children: You either want to devote a great part of your life to them, or not.

He knows he wants them. He also wants you, but you’re correct that he may later resent you for blocking his desire for fatherhood. Or, he’ll just leave you.

In your case, your negativity towards kids reflect some past unhappiness as a child yourself, or anxieties about the world into which you’d bring children.

Counselling, time, and his love can move you to change your mind. Or not. Then, the divide will be a serious wedge between you two. Let him visit this once. Then consider your options.

DEAR ELLIE: I’m a woman, 53, who divorced seven years ago.

I’d married young, my children are now married. My husband was my senior high-school sweetheart and remained that same good guy with the same interests until we split.

But I’d grown much more independent, interested in books, music, etc. Once separated, I moved to the city where my children live, made new friends, and built the life I now love.

I work in a doctors’ clinic, volunteer at a food bank, and sing in a choir. I take my grandchildren to kid’s activities and special events. I babysit occasionally. My children understand that I need my own social life.

The only thing “missing” is a male companion. I’ve had dates but not met anyone I’d want to see at breakfast.

I know there are many women also leading active and satisfying lives, yet from what I hear, see, and read, a lot still feel “unfulfilled” if they don’t have a man by their side.

I’m happy and fulfilled. I have love in my life through my children and grandchildren. Sex would be a bonus, but unless it’s with a person who’d bring so much else to my life, I feel it’s not worth the hassles

I hear from other women, such as men with difficult adult children, financial differences that cause issues, serial cheaters, etc.

Am I really missing anything by not even trying to meet someone who’d be a partner? —Doubting Dating

ELLIE: It’s a very personal decision, involving what you’re willing to try, what you can handle, and how flexible you can be.

In becoming an independent woman, you’ve been adventurous, taken risks, been positive and optimistic.

However, your view of dating is pessimistic, focused on negatives, and risk averse. It seems you won’t even open the door to a guy friend who’d share some interests, like attending concerts together, or a pal from the choir.

For all your growth, you see relationships through a lens from the past — confining and troublesome. It’s your choice whether you stick with that view.

As you say, you’re happy as is. Yet you asked the question.

Try this: Use your own confidence and security to socialize with men (selectively, of course), to see if having a future partner becomes desirable. If yes, get to know someone very well before making major moves.