Think carefully about reporting old sex assault

Editor’s note: So far this week we’ve already welcomed new food and humour columnists. The next addition to our stable of local writers is Marie and Gerry Prior. They have signed on to write an advice column every other week. Where they differ from our syndicated advice columnist, Ellie Tesher, is they live in Penticton and will take your questions. A version of their column last appeared several years ago in a different local publication. Dear Marie and Gerry: I am renting a one-bedroom apartment from the landlord who lives in the house.

Housing is impossible to find and my eight-year-old daughter has a small cat so this arrangement has worked for the last three months.

However the daughter (about 16) of the landlord is recently having her boyfriend over and her bedroom wall is joined to my room. Their activities are disturbing our lives at night and I suspect she is doing drugs as well as other stuff.

I cannot afford to move out but her mother (the landlord) is also very busy with boyfriends, etc. and is not always home in the evenings. I already asked the daughter to be more considerate but she gave me the finger. Should I tell the mother about this?

Marie says: I understand this situation is difficult for you and you have limited options. Looking for somewhere else to live could be the solution, but if you had trouble finding this place, it might not be easy.

I would not suggest you confront the landlord and accuse her daughter of whatever. You only have guesswork, not proof, and the result could be to alienate her and maybe she would give you notice to leave your home.

Consider trying to connect with the daughter by inviting her over or making friends with her and letting her know you want to be friendly.

Until you are in a position to make other choices, you will have to deal with the current situation. It’s your move, make your decision work for both of you.

Gerry says: I would start researching somewhere else to live; this behaviour you describe is not acceptable for your daughter to witness and could lead to other problems, if she is getting stressed.

You may rethink the cat issue, which would give you more options. Just saying.

Dear Marie and Gerry: With all the recent media coverage about sexual abuse, I have been discussing with my friends an incident which happened to me about 13 years ago, by a person about 25 years old at the time.

I was the family babysitter and on a couple of occasions when he drove me home he kissed me and touched me. I was too afraid to tell my parents and later the family moved, so I put it behind me.

Now my friends are encouraging me to make a complaint against him since he is now well known in town and they say he should “pay the price.”

Marie says: We are living in very volatile times, however, you may be being pressured by your friends to make this complaint. What is it you want to accomplish? You say you are happily married with children, so your actions will affect your whole family.

Since there was no rape, proving his actions might be difficult. Do you want him to acknowledge his actions at that time? If so, would you be open to an apology from him now? Would you be able to contact him and make a discrete inquiry without making a police report?

This needs serious consideration because you may not get exactly what you want. Also, you need to discuss with your husband before moving forward with a legal charge. Explain to your friends that you really need their support, but not to influence you.

Gerry says: I think you may have a lot of trouble if you go the route of exposing his bad behaviour. He may not even remember you and deny your claim, but if he were to remember, he could suggest that if you were so upset, why didn’t you object to him or tell your parents or some authority?

Even though many women are bringing the light of day into these situations, you may not fall into the same category as the TV personalities.

That’s not to say it was OK to assault you. Even though the media is disclosing many new charges, there is still a lot to learn about supporting and having more respect for women

It is going to take some time before we are all on board. Just saying.