Two women, two separate lives

DEAR ELLIE: I’ve been seeing this man exclusively for two years, but he’s married.

I’m convinced that he truly loves me.

Everyone thinks we’re a couple as we’re so close.

He’s said that he has no plans for our future and that I’m not in his plans. His reason is that he has a child with a foreign wife and he knows he’ll lose his child if he divorces.

He wants to do his best for the child.

Although he knows that I’m expecting marriage, he hasn’t left me.

At times when it gets too stressful, we do discuss that perhaps we shouldn’t meet anymore.

Within a few hours, we’re back communicating with one another.

When he sees me all upset about this, he changes the subject so that I’ll be happy again. He says he doesn’t want me to have hopes and expectations. If so, why does he not want to leave me?

Could it be that he does have plans but is not sharing with me in case it doesn’t work out? About 18 months ago, he did say just that. Now he says there is no plan for me and he’s determined to have his family back living with him again. What’s in his mind? ANSWER: So far, his mind has been focused on making sure he has two women and two separate lives.

He also thinks about the child that he needs to care for and he’s now more open to those plans. It’s hard for you to accept, but it’s better to start now rather than remain in a fantasy of hopes and expectations. He’s right about that. But he’s wrong to keep leading you on. He knows that, which is why he’s talking about living with his wife and family again. That’s his reality.

You can cling to your belief that your relationship will last, and that he doesn’t want to give you up. But he will. He’s warned you of this throughout the affair, which is what this is.

Start focusing your mind on how you’ll move on, and prepare yourself for it. That time could be coming soon since he’s speaking more openly about it.

DEAR ELLIE: My young teenage daughter is being invited to celebrations of birthdays and other events that take place at night.

So, I and three other parents formed a car pool, getting four girls including my daughter to the events and back home.

I’m appalled by the other girls’ bad manners (my daughter’s also been surprised/embarrassed by this). They don’t say Hello or Thank-you to me.

They don’t even acknowledge that I’m there.

If I say something — like, what a great night this is going to be — they go silent. It’s like I’m only the driver and shouldn’t speak.

How should I handle this?

ANSWER: Speak anyway, ask a question of one, say something to another. If still no response, ask the other parents who drive if they get the same treatment from the group (don’t name anyone specifically). And discuss this with your daughter. Know that at least one girl — yours — is being taught decent manners.

TIP OF THE DAY If he’s married and not making plans with you, he’s got other plans for himself and his wife.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.