Partner not contributing to family
DEAR ELLIE: My partner of 13 years and I have two kids under age five.
I’m the only one contributing to our home and the kids’ expenses.
He was fired from his job through his own doing (performance issues).
He applied to another job but said he could start a few months later because he wanted to go back to school, which I supported.
When that idea fell, through he applied again but hasn’t received a reply.
The home we purchased last winter is out of the city. Although I’ve adjusted to this change, he hasn’t.
He goes into the city to hang out with his friends, and sleeps at his mother’s house for two to three days.
He expects everything to be fine between us when he comes home, despite my saying this is unacceptable.
I commute to work an hour and a half each way. I have to take the kids to day care, pick them up from the babysitter’s because I can’t get back before the day care closes.
I take them to extra-curricular actives, do all food and household chores, and pay all bills.
The closest counselling services (which we can’t afford) are 45 minutes away.
I’m exhausted, have lost hope, and prefer to let him do whatever he wants instead of arguing.
Incidentally, my “partner” and I have been living common-law (on-off) for the last few years only. — Left Alone and Resentful
ANSWER: You’re so obviously the stronger, responsible partner that I suspect you always knew this.
Now, there’s no choice but to carry the whole load.
Your partner’s less responsible, choosing to avoid facing this difficult time. He knows you hold him accountable for your burden.
But you can’t carry on indefinitely feeling hopeless and exhausted.
Tell him so. Either he comes home, helps out, and determinedly seeks work locally, or you two need another solution. BUT, if you believe he’s never going to be a true partner, there are online counselling services. Even a few sessions can help you decide your next steps.
DEAR ELLIE: I’m worried about my friend, in her late-30s, who keeps having what she thinks are “relationships” with men she hasn’t even met.
After connecting online with a man even just once, she starts believing he’s The One. She’ll start making long-term plans in her head — and will go to some guy’s apartment and have sex on their first in-person “date.”
Yet most of these encounters also end up as their last “date,” with the guy never contacting her again, especially after she shares her plans for outings and trips together.
She’s nice-looking, a good friend, and holds a responsible job. But she keeps repeating this same self-defeating behaviour.
How can I help her? — No Relationship
ANSWER: She’s appearing desperate, by accepting whatever crumbs these men offer.
She’s also scaring them away when she enthuses about a future together on first meeting. While sex is a give-away they don’t have to work for, most men run from what looks like a trap.
However, she’s an adult and will possibly over-react and distance from you if you stress her own fault in these gonowhere dates. Tell her you care about her personal safety, and whether she uses or insists on protection during sex, as STI’s are a painful and long-lasting risk. Say you worry even more about her going to meet men she doesn’t know in their homes. Make sure she recognizes that the serious risk of “stranger danger” can be far worse than being single longer.
TIP OF THE DAY If you’re bearing all responsibilities for kids, work and home, you haven’t got a partner unless there’s major change.
Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.