Woman may be jealous, insecure

DEAR ELLIE: I’m a happily married woman, late-30s, with children. I’m considered attractive (though I dress very casually), am well-liked, and best known for maintaining friendships both past and new.

Most of my “friends-only” relationships with guys from when we were all single, came to include many of their wives.

My husband also accepted many of my male pals as his friends too, and we socialize with those couples.

But I lost one close male friend because his thengirlfriend immediately shut me out.

She’s younger than me, stunningly beautiful, and is always dressed smartly. They married, had kids, and live in the same general neighbourhood. Yet we never see them except accidentally.

It’s seven years since he introduced her to me, and she still turns away as fast as she can.

I’ve met and heard of other women like her, which prompts my question:

Why are some women, who seem to have everything they could want, closed off and cold to other women?

— I Don’t Get It

ANSWER: She’s jealous of the closeness you once had with her spouse. Or, she’s insecure, which is why she needs to always look “perfect,” and resents that he was close to someone as different from her as you are.

Or, none of the above. We cannot know everyone. People develop different interpretations of the world around them.

Her parents or her own past experiences may’ve made her feel that, to succeed in a relationship, she must deflect competition from other women, including her spouse’s platonic female friends.

Since she’s unlikely to open up to you, and future friendship is even less likely, what matters is whether your former pal seems happy in his life with her and their children.

If she is jealous, then any connecting you try to do with him, could cause a major squabble between them. Avoiding that shows him that you still

are a friend.

Readers’ Commentary

Regarding the young woman with mixed feelings about meeting her birth mother.

“I’m an adoptive mother. When adoption files were legally made open to requests, my adult adopted son registered his willingness for contact.

“I felt emotionally apprehensive, but supported his decision. When a letter from his birth mother arrived at our home, he soon showed it to me. I found the letter very moving and empathized with the profound sadness she felt.

“I also sensed that my son was experiencing a great sense of peace, as if a weight was being lifted. Before meeting his birth mother, he wanted to write a letter describing himself. He also let me send a long letter to her, describing him and his childhood.

“He went on to have meetings with his birth mother and eventually his birth father. He’s talked openly and casually about these meetings. His birth mother and father were like strangers to him, but they’ve become friends.

“I know he has an ongoing connection to his birth family, but I feel that he has reassured his dad and me that we, who loved him, guided him, worried about him and supported him, are indeed his parents.

“He continues to maintain his connection to the two large extended families he grew up with. His circle of love and support has simply expanded.

“The decision to meet birth parents is, as you’ve written, very “emotionladen.” This is true for everyone in the adoption triangle. This must be acknowledged. However, with openness and support, it can be a positive experience for all.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter who wants a full business partnership with her mother now that she’s graduated university (Oct. 5):

Reader — “It’d make sense for her to enter the business as an intern, especially if other employees might be waiting for a partnership and have done the grunt work only to be superseded by a new graduate.

“She needs to start as her mom did, do the late hours, cultivate customer relationships, etc.

“WAY DOWN the road she and her mom could discuss partnership.

“I’d also recommend the daughter start with another firm or business, where she could bring in new experience when it IS time for her to enter her mom’s business.”

Reader #2 — “The rule in my husband’s family business is that you must spend three years working in the same field for another company.

“You need to make it on your own without your last name pulling favours. It also tests if this is your passion or being part of the family business is the easy career choice.”

Ellie’s tip of the day A jealous and/or insecure spouse (male OR female) may distrust a partner, even over platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.