Student seeks help for coping with high school crush
DEAR ELLIE: I’m in love (I think) with a boy from my school. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me, and I don’t know how to react when I’m around him. We’ve only known each other for three months.
When I see him I get so nervous, but all I think about is talking to him and kissing him.
We often get eye contact, and when I smile, he just raises his brows and sometimes he smiles back. He is kind of shy, but we’ve talked many times before, and he seems to be interested in the things I’m saying.
I don’t know if I should tell him about my feelings, or just hope that he feels the same. It’s difficult to figure him out, because he’s so quiet.
I’m just scared that he’ll laugh at me or think that I’m weird. What if he doesn’t like me?
ANSWER: This is what a crush is like, when you’re old enough to feel the emotions but too young to have had experience in how to handle them.
And it’s very likely he’s at a similar level of inexperience.
Crushes are normal, but they’re different from love.
They’re intense — with rollercoaster feelings at times — because of the total infatuation which is usually related to a person’s appearance or the way the other person looks, talks, or walks, or exhibits some particular behaviour.
Yet if you tell him about your feelings, you could easily scare him away. Even if he likes you, it’s as a schoolmate so far, and one he only knows a little.
Revealing your strong feelings at this point could overwhelm him with awkwardness, causing him to avoid you. Instead, use the times when you’re able to talk to him, to ask about his interests and tell him about yours - the music you listen to, the sports you play and watch, the books/TV shows/movies you’ve liked.
That’s plenty of material for finding out if you two really have much in common to become friends and maybe date— or if this is just a passing crush, and there’ll be others ahead.
Readers’ Commentary
Regarding the 37-year-old mother of two who stayed late after a yoga class “to talk” (Oct. 9):
“As a retired teacher with more than 40 years experience as a math teacher and private guitar instructor, I have a very strong opinion: Students are off limits.
“The power relationship of student-to-teacher can be too easily abused. Even if at one level a student thinks they’re attracted to the teacher, this attraction is confused, based on the relationship which has been created for the transfer of knowledge.
“A teacher who is “kind and helpful” with the intent of grooming a potential sexual partner is among the worst types of sexual predator.
“If he or she was so truly taken with a student that they felt they needed to pursue a relationship, the first step would have to be to stop teaching the student and then see what happens next.
“I believe that the instructor should be reported immediately to their superiors. The woman should not change yoga clubs. The predator should be outed and dealt with.
“It’s a clear violation of trust and breach of professional behaviour. If he’s the only instructor, he should be reported to the supervising or credentialing body — and in that case leaving his practice is obviously a sound choice.”
FEEDBACK
Regarding the live-in boyfriend who remains distant from his partner’s 19-year-old daughter (Oct. 2):
Reader — “Facts: The mother met him online and they communicated on Skype for a year.
“He moves across the country to live with her. Her daughter suddenly decides to move in with a father she didn’t previously get along with.When she visited her mother, the fiance hid in another room. There could be something more going on. Her daughter should be asked if something inappropriate happened between her and the fiance because they’re both acting oddly.
“The mother should be putting her daughter first before marrying this man whom she really doesn’t know that well.
“Even if nothing inappropriate happened, the fiance is acting childishly. That’s a red flag.”
Ellie — Agreed. Both daughter and boyfriend were uncomfortable from Day 1. If the mother wants to give him a chance, counselling for them and about his attitude towards her daughter is essential.
Ellie’s tip of the day Crushes can be private feelings to enjoy personally, but not to share unless there’s a clear, mutual connection.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.