Fi­ancee won’t cut cord

Penticton Herald - - LIVING - EL­LIE TESHER

DEAR EL­LIE: My fi­ance and I are soon get­ting mar­ried in a trop­i­cal lo­ca­tion, with­out friends or fam­ily present.

This is our de­ci­sion — to make it about us and not have all the stress that comes with the “big wed­ding.” We’re an older cou­ple, both pre­vi­ously had tra­di­tional mar­riage events.

My fi­ance wants to con­duct busi­ness while on our hon­ey­moon. He’s in the fi­nan­cial plan­ning and in­sur­ance busi­ness.

Also, he plans on mak­ing/ac­cept­ing phone calls to/from “daddy’s girl” while on our hon­ey­moon.

I’m frus­trated that he’s un­able to sep­a­rate him­self from his adult chil­dren for a week! Am I un­rea­son­able?

AN­SWER: You’re some­what un­rea­son­able about his daugh­ter front, plus start­ing off on a neg­a­tive foot­ing by re­fer­ring to her (even if just in your own mind) as “daddy’s girl.”

With non-tra­di­tional wed­dings now com­mon, it’s equally com­mon that adult chil­dren at­tend their par­ents’ sec­ond wed­dings.

Your choice oth­er­wise is fine, but it’s un­rea­son­able that he shouldn’t be able to have a chat with his daugh­ter that week.

The more in­clu­sive, pos­i­tive way to han­dle this is to sug­gest that, af­ter the cer­e­mony, you both speak to all adult chil­dren, and re­ceive con­grat­u­la­tions. I strongly sug­gest that you speak to his daugh­ter, too.

If you raise this ap­proach, it’s then log­i­cal to say that, given you’re away only one week, you’d pre­fer if you both lim­ited fam­ily calls to just that one (bar­ring emer­gen­cies).

As for his work calls, he’s in a busi­ness when he could be oc­cu­pied for hours daily, talk­ing to clients.

Gen­tly sug­gest that he make only es­sen­tial con­tacts, and give time to ex­plor­ing your trop­i­cal des­ti­na­tion, re­lax­ing to­gether, and ap­pre­ci­at­ing the lux­ury of a brief respite from stress.

FEED­BACK

Re­gard­ing the fi­ance who avoids his part­ner’s daugh­ter (Oc­to­ber 2):

Reader: “My friend has been in the same sit­u­a­tion, with an adult daugh­ter. The new hus­band never seemed to be able to have a “proper” re­la­tion­ship with her.

“But oth­er­wise she couldn’t have wished to have a bet­ter fa­ther. He did what­ever - and more — than he could for her ben­e­fit. Her own fa­ther wasn’t in the pic­ture.

“Even­tu­ally, we all re­al­ized he’s like that with many peo­ple, if he hasn’t known them for a very long time (other than his ‘new’ wife).”

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