Man’s marriage proposals turned down every time
QUESTION: My girlfriend loves me but won’t marry me. She keeps saying “not yet,” leaving me wondering if I’m her “for now” guy till she thinks someone else is a better choice.
I’m especially confused about her true feelings since she’s very passionate when we have sex. She’ll also make a special meal she knows
I love, and buys me very thoughtful gifts for my birthday,
Christmas, etc.
We dated for a year and have been living together for 18 months.
She says “we have time” to get married later on, but still insists she’s not ready.
I’m 30, earn decently, and feel very ready for the full commitment of marriage. She’s 27 and has been working at a job she’s loved since she got hired as an intern at 20.
I get it that she’s very proud to have grown into a management role, and that she has great friendships among her colleagues. I’ve met five of them over time and they’re a very tight group.
They lunch together most work days, and plan a restaurant dinner outing every two weeks (no men invited).
I asked her once if she was close with any of her male colleagues and she was very insulted by what she claimed was my “distrust.”
I do trust her, and want to live the rest of my life with her as married partners.
What’s your take on this divide? Isn’t it odd for a woman to share a man’s bed and life, and yet resist marrying him?
I wonder if she’s just marking time till she falls “head over heels” with someone else?
— For Now Guy
ANSWER: I certainly understand your increasing concerns as she keeps delaying commitment. Yet your girlfriend also seems loving in some generous ways, both in her home life with you and her sexual passion for you.
Another fact that hopefully matters: She’s loyal — to her work, her colleagues, and to her live-in relationship with you.
But that doesn’t make her fair or fully open on the topic of marriage. Given your stated love, loyalty and great desire to marry her, you should not be met with resistance.
If she’s just not interested, tell her you’ll have to move on.
Otherwise, she needs to provide a clear explanation of why she’s not reassuring you of a positive “Yes!”
Say that you’re now only willing to accept a reasonable time frame, such as a maximum wait of one year, with a defined and agreed wedding date.
Otherwise, if she delays further, state that you’re past waiting indefinitely.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the man struggling with the loss of his 20-year-old son:
Reader: It’s OK to not feel OK. He needs to stop putting this pressure on himself.
It seems he’s not been going to helpful counselling, which isn’t his fault.
Ellie’s suggestion that perhaps “joining a cause in his son’s name, to alert others of the dangers of illicit use of this very potent opioid” is bang on.
Perhaps he should also visit an Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I think he could very well both give and get therapy. And visit local police and school boards, since he has a valuable story to share.
Giving his son’s life a “purpose” could help him cope by giving his son’s life a purpose.
Depending on how his other adult kids are coping, they may want to get involved in that, too.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the wife who thought her husband was having an emotional affair:
Reader: I assume it was a man who wrote this letter and wonder how he’d feel about his wife having a close male friend with whom she texts at all hours of the day, has lunch away from the office, goes on trips, etc.
Yes, men and women can be good friends. But sexual relationships often grow out of friendship.
Or, when a marriage hits a rocky spot, they can be an easy go-to remedy for injured feelings, boredom etc. That’s why people who are married wisely keep an eye on such relationships, whether their own or that of their spouse.
They set limits on non-work time spent with the friend and of activities pursued with them. They’re open about those activities; and include their spouse in the relationship. Anything less is just courting trouble.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
Two strong-minded people living together must learn how to openly discuss when/ whether to marry, or instead, move on.