Rekindle your relationship with these tips
DEAR READERS: Among problems within onceromantic relationships, many include these familiar complaints: Loss of shared sexual excitement, boredom with routines, lapsed activities that were once joyful, etc.
Why do these same negatives keep happening? I heard them replaced by sexual happiness through tips from Florida-based author Dr. Carmen Harra whom I’d recently interviewed.
Harra has a background in both clinical psychology and in nutrition from Cornell University (yes, there’s a link between sex and health).
Born in Romania, she got her first degree in languages, emigrated to the
U.S. in 1980, resides in
Florida after practising marriage therapy in New
York for 20 years, happily married for 27 years before her late husband passed away.
Her book, Committed:
Finding Love and Loyalty
Through the Seven Archetypes, published last year, goes directly to reheating your sexual/love connection,
What’s new is the link she creates between needing and achieving the love/sex goal that relationships need like air for breathing.
Her tips include: 1) Changing Your Sexual Routine — “It’s the enemy of excitement.” A constant daily pattern — eat/work/eat/sleep etc. — “can kill the spirit of any relationship.”
2) To rekindle romance, don’t just join another class doing same-old together. “The most important factor is finding the joy in engaging in different activities with your other half.”
3) Add spice in the bedroom. Your sex drive can easily dwindle after years with the same person, losing the rush that once accompanied intercourse. It’s normal, but good sex is important to a relationship. Re-heat it in new ways.
4) If desire dries up, a central component of your connection is lost. Yet sex can become better with time if you get creative and invent new ways of pleasing each other. Speaking as a marriage therapist, she doesn’t hold back: Try intercourse in different locations and positions.
5) Do something you loved in the early months of your relationship. Leave cell phones at home and communicate throughout a once-favourite activity. It’ll stir up old feelings of excitement that were present at its start.
6) Spending time apart can be as important as spending time together. The more we see someone, the less the sensory part of our brain responds to their presence and we become “used” to them. After some days away, e.g. to visit relatives, you’ll both feel eager to be together.
7) Work on you and on both of you. Leave your comfort zone, or it leads to complacency. Constructive self-criticism only makes us better, so strive to take care of yourself: Eat well and exercise regularly.
Healthy routines will help you both look and feel good about yourself and boost your self-esteem too!
Practice emotional intimacy. It isn’t restricted to intercourse; it’s also intense bonding of the mind and spirit.
Her recipe for true connection: Know what your partner needs, feeling their emotions and desires as if your own.
Emotional intimacy is much more powerful than physical intimacy because it delves deep into your loved one’s fears and hopes. Consistent awareness of your partner is key.
You’ll maintain a sense of intimacy by paying attention to their behaviour. This will keep you committed as a couple.
Combining her several areas of study, Harra has much to offer individuals/couples regarding modern relationships.
Her strongest beliefs: “If we don’t heal our relationships and/or emotional problems, we start feeling miserable, which leads to acquiring real diseases.
“People get stuck, causing negative emotions, illnesses and trauma. By contrast, good relationships keep the brain healthy and balanced.”
FEEDBACK: Regarding, “A Different Lifestyle” between a young woman from a very different background from that of the somewhat older man with a profession as a dentist, and charitable behaviour, whom she’s dating:
I really do not see what this woman should be fearful of. Putting myself in the man’s shoes, I would be proud to introduce her to my circle of friends. I do not think that anyone would “look down on her.”
I would actually foresee the opposite situation, where his friends would actually admire this woman for her accomplishments.
Also, has she ever considered that maybe her “freer spirit” could be exactly what is attractive to this man?
She should just enjoy her life instead of worrying ahead. Both are still young. This could be a “perfect” match, if each of the two allow the new and happy relationship to mature at its own pace.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
Successful romantic relationships require ongoing intimacy and the joy of an exciting sexual connection. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca