Son wants to spend time with friend, but all playdates prebooked
QUESTION: My son has a friend with whom he’d like to spend time with after school. But this boy has a friend who doesn’t seem to like my son. Those two moms have advance-booked their boys into every after-school program going, and on the days they don’t have activities, they have pre-arranged playdates together.
I spoke with the mom of the boy who is friends with my son, and she replied that she was sorry she couldn’t change anything because she just does what the other mother tells her to do. I was flabbergasted!
Really?!? This woman is an accomplished musician with a big position in her field. She’s also a mom and a wife, meaning, she’s very capable of making adult decisions and plans.
Why does she fall back on plans made by someone else, which don’t allow her son to break free and make his own friends? What am I missing here?
– Friend Follower
ANSWER: As you mentioned, this woman is highly accomplished and sounds very busy. Perhaps it’s just easier for her to allow the other woman, whom she clearly trusts, to make all the plans for her child. As frustrating as it is now, I can guarantee you it won’t last forever. The boys will start to have divergent interests, friends only they like (for whatever reason), and their tied-at-the-hip lifestyle will end.
Until then, ask the mom of your son’s friend if you can take her son away from his regularly scheduled playdate and bring him over to your house. Offer to feed him and drive him home. She should acquiesce.
QUESTION: A woman I know never married or had children, neither for lack of trying. Recently, she threw herself a massive party that she dubbed “Pity I’m Fifty.” She came to the realization that she was never going to get married nor have children, and she was extremely depressed. Her friends and family were concerned and managed to get her to talk to a professional.
It took her some time, but she was strong enough to recognize that though those were strong desires of hers, life doesn’t always work out the way you hope and plan. You have to learn to pivot and find your own path.
So, she threw herself this crazy huge party. And guess what happened? She met a fabulous man, recently widowed, with a 10-year-old daughter.
Do you believe in manifestation?
– Magical Moments
ANSWER: I do believe in manifestation, but I also know that we as individuals are not that powerful, so I try to curb my enthusiasm. Also, it’s fun and easy to believe in positive manifestations, but it’s dangerous to believe in negative ones.
It’s wonderful that your friend has potentially found a life partner and a child to nurture and love. Sometimes things happen when we least expect them. I think you can believe what you want, but what’s most important is appreciating what you have when you have it.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the young child with the continuous stomach-ache:
READER: When I was a child something very similar happened to me. In my case it was a stomach ache in the late morning that cleared up by the afternoon. We ultimately discovered that I had an undiagnosed lactose intolerance. I had started eating cereal with milk for breakfast at the same time I started going to school. Perhaps the child is intolerant and/or allergic to something being fed to them at lunch.
LISI: It absolutely could be. The mom mentioned that she had spoken with her son’s doctor, so I didn’t go down that road.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the teenager wanting to go to Paris:
READER: This letter from the teen daughter was a clear cry for your help and you did not provide her any guidance for mental health help. There are many words she used to describe her feelings of inadequacy she feels from her parents’ behaviour toward her and towards her “artsy” sister. This young woman has low self-esteem, and you gave her a quick script on how to approach her parents about the Paris trip.
This teen needs counselling support guidance. You didn’t give her directions on how to access support to navigate her feelings and approach her parents in order to stop the emotional abusive parent child relationship.
LISI: You are correct that I focused on her question. And you may be right about her relationship with her parents. But I am not in the position to jump to conclusions.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Toronto Star. Send your relationship questions via email:
ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca