Woman worried about getting together with husband’s besties

QUESTION: My husband has two best friends and the three of them all live in different countries. They haven’t been able to see each other much over this past decade due to young kids, some illness in the families, a death and COVID-19 restrictions. Things seem calm and quiet, and the guys want to plan a week away, including the wives.

I like the other two women, as much as I know them, which isn’t that well. They’re nice, fun, friendly, inclusive and I’m sure we’ll have a good time. But I’m worried about a few things.

First of all, one of the guys is extremely wealthy and his wife loves to spend his money. I’ve been out for dinner with her before, in a group, and she takes charge ordering everything off the menu, cocktails for everyone and the best bottle of wine. But then insists we all split the bill evenly!

The other wife is nice but quiet, and after a while goes silent, almost retreats, especially as her husband becomes more and more drunk and boisterous.

My husband and I are active people who like to get up and go, eat healthy and drink in moderation. I’m just not sure how we are all going to get along for a week.

– Unsure Traveler

ANSWER: A week is a long time, but you can make it work by organizing different outings and activities. For instance, let’s say your trip is to Florida. Book golf for those who wish, tennis for those who wish, even a fishing excursion for those who wish. Find a few great (affordable) restaurants and make reservations. Find a concert, play, or some other activity and get tickets. This way you don’t have to all be together all the time.

And, if at any time, you feel the need for space, take it. You’re an adult and are allowed to do what you wish.

QUESTION: I was invited to a friend’s destination wedding. It’s not a destination for her, as she and her husband have moved back to her home country to be with her family. But it’s a destination for all their friends and all his family. I will have to pay for my flight, my hotel and a few lunches. Breakfast comes with the room and every night there is an activity of some sort, which includes food.

I’m tied to the dates and to the hotel (choice of two), to which they have gotten us a good rate. But the flight is very expensive. She’s a good friend and I really like her fiance, so I’m going to make it work. But it will be hard for me wfinancially.

I’ve just been asked to be part of a group gift, with two of her other close friends, both of whom I’ve only met once each when they came to visit her over the years she lived abroad. These women come from very wealthy families, as does my friend, and their gift ideas are grandiose. I could never afford to get her anything like what they are proposing on my own, and I’d love to be a part of it, but I simply can’t afford even my third.

How can I still be a good friend, and not be looked down upon by her other friends?

– Broke Guest

ANSWER: Bow out of the group gift and find something you can afford that is meaningful to you both. If you’re really strapped, write her a heartfelt card explaining that her gift is on its way. My only concern would be the added shipping costs. You might be better to find her something while you’re there, so she can exchange it if it’s not suitable.

FEEDBACK: Regarding losing your language:

READER: I agree, she should seek medical attention. But here is a very illuminating idea expressed to me when I was concerned about that very thing: think of your brain as a computer. Young people’s brains are relatively empty, so it’s easy to find everything; whereas ours are full of decades of information so it takes longer to find what we seek.

READER NO. 2: This woman says she’s nearing her 50s, meaning she’s only late 40s. That’s actually quite young to start losing your words. Is she overwhelmed in her life right now? Is she overly stressed? If either, then her brain is just working on overtime right now and she needs to give herself a break. Our brains are a muscle that need fuel to work, and rest to recharge. That’s why a good diet and proper sleep are so important.