The feelings of being a victim of negative criticism

I’ll bet just about every one of you reading this column has, at one time or another, been the victim of negative gossip.

It happened to me in early high school, and I never forgot it. The teenage boy sitting in front of me turned around and said my freckles made me unappealing for any guy to date. I soon heard the same damning statement from other guys in the class.

At 15, I was devastated, a victim of mean gossip among the boys.

Gossip has been around for centuries.

The word comes from the Old English “godsibb,” dating from the 12th century. It’s a contraction from God and sibb, which, back then, referred to very close friends (i.e. godparents).

But by the 16th century, gossip had accrued an insulting meaning: it referred mostly to women, especially those who delight in idle talk. Within a few centuries, the word went from having a divine origin to becoming an insult.

Now, in a world where gossip and other information is instantly available on social media, some people spend hours casually badmouthing complete strangers online, for no apparent reason.

Why, for example, do males and females alike, though unlikely to ever meet a superstar such as Taylor Swift, feel entitled to make and spread negative judgements about her?

And don’t forget the workplace, where hard-core office gossip has sometimes even driven someone to storm out of the building and quit.

One expert on this topic, Dr. Ned Hallowell, child/ adult psychiatrist and bestselling author, defines gossip as “sharing information – real or imagined – without permission.”

Given the mean-spirited, negative view that women are the main purveyors of gossip, they’re often more likely to be the main targets.

“You can share the details of your life, but only to the extent that you’d be comfortable with a co-worker, or a relative, an ex-lover, or a stranger, seeing it. As a result, social media has become a lot less friendly,” said Dr. Hallowell.

So has gossip. And, if it’s negatively affecting you personally, don’t accept it. Walk away. Instead, reflect on whatever’s good in your life.

Here’s what the magazine Psychology Today published about gossip in 2021: “Talking negatively about other people makes us feel good about ourselves,” and gives some people a sense of power.

But, as many others say about gossip’s so-called benefits, “only as long as you don’t say anything bad about me.”

Meanwhile, gossip still relies on negative, demeaning information. According to the magazine, if the information being discussed were positive, it would be labeled praise or envy.

Now, new research published in Social Psychology and Personality Science, has analyzed thousands of daily conversations to better understand the true nature of gossip, even though both types of information-sharing can potentially be damaging.

So, let’s be privately honest with ourselves: Have you, personally, listened to gossip? Or added to rumours without any idea of their accuracy? Or repeated a story about someone, with no verification at all? Hopefully, you regret those actions.

On the other hand, has a negative story ever referred to you, with the fingers of inaccuracy, false information, and painful reality pointing directly at you?

Well, if so, according to this recent research view, it was deserved.

We live in a world of information technology which can reveal our own true character, record our social and cultural foibles, and our personal missteps that can arise publicly as fast as false and mean-spirited gossip.

Meanwhile, there’s currently an odd correlation to fascination with gossip-related studies. Research by the University of Maryland and Stanford University shows that gossipers get a bad rap.

It suggests that “gossip is good at disseminating information about people’s reputations,” which can help recipients of these tips connect with co-operative people, while avoiding selfish ones. That’s an academic view.

So, how did gossiping evolve into such a popular pastime that transcends gender, age, culture and socioeconomic background?

Michele Gelfand, a professor at Stanford Business School, says It’s unclear why gossiping, which requires considerable time and energy, evolved as an adaptive strategy.

Finally, each of us might consider our own attitudes towards gossip, whether it’s useful or nasty.

Here’s a light joke to end the topic: Why does Pinocchio love gossip? Because he’s so nosy.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Toronto Star. Send your relationship questions via email:

ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca