Advice reworded after being taken the wrong way
Dear Readers: It has come to my attention that a response I gave came across in a manner unintended and I’d like to express my apologies for inadvertently sending the wrong message.
On November 15, a woman wrote in concerned about her strong need for sex. So strong was her sexual appetite that even though she had a healthy sex life with her husband, she would also have sex with complete strangers. She worried that something was ‘wrong’ with her. She also worried about bringing home a disease, and/or her children ever finding out.
My response to her was that there was nothing wrong with her, but she might just want to get a health checkup. To eliminate her worries, I suggested ways in which she could enhance her own marital sex life, so she didn’t have to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
Several weeks later, a woman who had once been cheated on, wrote in with a different, harsher view. Clearly her view was tainted by her traumatic experience. She expressed the view that there was indeed something wrong with the original letter writer. I didn’t agree with her, but I tried to understand why this woman felt the way she did.
On Feb. 27, I included another reader’s take on the situation. This man focused on the fact that the original letter-writer had said that her husband didn’t care that she had sex with others. (NOTE: the Jan. 3 commenter said she didn’t believe the husband didn’t care.) And that if he didn’t care, then it wasn’t cheating.
He then continues with his own personal story of his sexually open marriage (I don’t want to mislabel), which I found interesting. That’s why I shared it with my readers. I responded with “What you do is your business, but if you’re married and having sex with someone else, you are cheating – whether your spouse knows and/or cares.” And it came across inaccurately.
What I should have said directly to that man was “What you do is your business as long as you, or anybody else, aren’t getting hurt. And then I should have clarified that, with regards to the original letter, in a monogamous relationship, cheating is defined by when a person has an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else.” Without any comment otherwise, yes, I assumed that the original letter writer was in a traditional monogamous relationship with her husband.
But in no way do I judge what other people do to make themselves and/or their partners happy, with the clarification that it is legal, above board, and no one is getting hurt. So again, to those who felt that I had wrongly judged ANY of my letter writers – and to the letter writers themselves – I apologize. I do not judge. I only try to help people who ask me for advice.
Live and let live.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the young couple and the family vacation:
Reader One: The issue isn’t between her and her boyfriend’s parents, but rather between him and his parents. What led him to assume that his girlfriend would be invited?
Is this a bigger issue, meaning, do his parents not accept her as his girlfriend? And if not, why not? And further to that, does he still want to go on vacation with his parents knowing they don’t like his girlfriend? What will happen if these two decide to get married? Will his parents not attend the wedding?
However, if the invitation wasn’t extended due to financial reasons, then I agree the couple should offer to pay : if they want to – and go together as one big happy family.
Reader Two: If the parents were financially strapped then they should have said so but welcomed her anyway if the couple could afford it. If it was some other reason, then they should have been up front and discussed it.
This exclusion by stealth is exactly what so many in my LGBT community have endured for years. It leaves lasting scars on the relationship that are difficult to heal. The young man has made it clear she’s the most important person in his life. To allow the parents to exclude her from what is obviously an important event, is to ignore the elephant in the room: They don’t respect their son, his choices, or his partner. It’s a pattern of behaviour that will continue if not confronted and dealt with. No one should be treated like this.
Lisi: I don’t agree. I think you’re projecting as you said this happened to you. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Toronto Star. Send your relationship questions via email:
It’s just 24 hours away until opening night of Jonas and Barry in the Home, the 67th production to date of Many Hats Theatre Co. in Penticton.
Playwright Norm Foster’s quick wit is strong in this lighthearted buddy comedy about living life to its fullest. And in typical Foster fashion, the characters are believable, and placed in highly humourous situations.
Barry (Vance Potter) is annoyed that he’s already living in a seniors’ home at age 67, but it’s worth it to live near his daughter, Rosie (Liz Barry). Rosie, who works at the home, brought him in so he wouldn’t be alone in case he has a heart attack like his father, brother, and uncle did before they were 65. So Barry spends his time shuffling around in his slippers, taking naps, and having dinner with Rosie, and that’s good enough for him.
But Barry doesn’t get to revel in the quiet for long. Enter the loquacious and flirtatious Jonas (Rob King) who wrote one hit song 37 years ago. Jonas likes to indulge in the finer things in life, like decadent dates and nice clothes, and he sees Barry the curmudgeon as a fixer-upper. As they bicker and bond over women, sports, and family values, Jonas and Barry must learn to open up and face how to keep living their lives.
Jane Pilkey is wearing the director’s hat and Dianna Zumpano Gin is producing.
Norm Foster is Canada’s most-produced playwright, a recipient of the Order of Canada and lifetime member of the Playwright’s Guild of Canada. He has previously played the role of Jonas in productions of this play.
Jonas and Barry in the Home’ opens Friday, April 12 and runs until Sunday, May 5 with performances Friday and Saturday at 7:30 p.m. (doors open at 7 p.m.) and matinees on Sunday at 2 p.m. (doors open at 1:30 p.m.). All performances are at The Cannery Stage, Penticton.
Tickets are $30 for adults and $28 for seniors and students.
Special to Okanagan Newspaper Group