I used to be on a television show about mediating conflicts with mothers-in-law
I’ve probably been involved with more mothers-in-law than any of you who are my readers – and it’s not because I married many times. I didn’t.
I used to be the talent in a TV series called ‘Outlaw In-laws,’ where I listened to couples who had negative relationships with their mothers-in-law. It was my job to resolve their issues.
Of course, there are good mothers-in-law as well as bad ones. I’m now a mother-in-law myself, and I hope, and think, that I am a good one.
But I’ve heard through all my years, both as a young wife and mother, and through all my relationship advice work, that there are many similar stories of inlaw interference and negative attitudes, happening in the lives of young working parents and throughout lengthy marriages.
I learned a lot during the three years I was involved with Outlaw In-laws.’ The experience taught me to recognize when an older adult, who’s not necessarily a wise one, was seeking the upper hand in the relationship.
In one episode of the series, for example, Adam, a future bridegroom, feels ‘pushed aside.’ I realized that, if he didn’t adapt or take charge himself, by the time his self-appointed wedding planner/future-mother-in-law accepted his ideas, there may not have been any wedding at all.
I also learned through my relationship column of readers’ questions about difficult in-laws, to challenge those unfair moves when the in-law parent has insisted on taking over. For example, one hard-working mother of a nursery-age youngster found that, despite needing caregiving help from her mother-inlaw, some negative exchanges between them left a sour feeling and she hated relying on her inlaws.
This mother had to work to pay for her family’s expenses. She was grateful for the childcare help, but not for the disturbing reception she would often receive when she returned home.
Obviously, she and her husband need to focus on improving the home-based atmosphere, and ensuring that their youngster is well-supervised and treated lovingly.
The couple could also consider whether they and the mother-in-law need to undergo some therapy, and both women need to reassess their relationship.
The grandmother, responsible for her grandchild’s home care, is unfairly worrying her daughter-in-law with negative attitudes, while this mom is already feeling guilty for missing out on her child’s early years while unable to afford a different arrangement.
Meanwhile, in all my relationship columns and TV experiences with ‘Outlaw In-laws,’ the most common element of discord is the desire for control.
Strong personalities may seem admirable at times, but when long-term relationships involve a dominant adult parent, and a young couple, my advice is for both to tread lightly and carefully build up trust and respect for one another.
On the other hand, if the relationship seems to be impossible, or unbearable, seeking help from a relationship therapist is worth your time and your children’s well-being.
Across Canada, where diverse populations are very common, in-law relationships can be very different from what both sides were once used to experiencing in other cultures.
In-laws dealing with such disputes need to try to understand each other better. It’s essential to their own well-being, as well as to the children involved.
Families can improve their relationships if they recognize the important value of respecting one another.
’Outlaw In-laws’ showed me and the weekly audience the impact of some of the research and goals.
In one episode, one of the standout tasks that the TV crew assigned to a negative mother-in-law revealed her fear of heights. She was to accept a rock-climbing challenge in a gym to reach a particular rock level, while her daughter-in-law watched from the gym floor.
Within a few moments, the older woman was calling out to her daughter-in-law, saying that she couldn’t go further, she was ‘stuck’ and terrified.
The younger woman encouraged her mother-in-law, climbed up to reach her and touched her hand, reassuringly. They walked out holding hands. That clear change involving respect, trust and partnership was worth all the effort, and what we strove toward in each episode.
It’s what I wish for all families struggling to find equal footing when adult children marry, and two families (sometimes more) need to come together in a healthy, cohesive, loving way.
Roasted chicken is a goto for many to serve at dinner parties or family gatherings. And, as much as I love this classic dish, the best part for me is always the crispy skin and the dark meat as the white is usually dry. Dry breast no more. Once discovering this amazing new method of roasting chicken, I have never gone back.
While creating my last cookbook, The BC Wine Lover’s Cookbook, CheckMate Winery’s winemaker Phil McGahan contributed his mom Florence’s recipe for roasted tarragon chicken. I must admit that I was skeptical of the recipe at first because of the unusual method she used for cooking her bird- which is more like steaming or poaching.
Phil grew up in Western Queensland, Australia, as the youngest of 10 children. His parents, Jack and Florence, supported their large brood by raising their own chickens and keeping a quarter-acre vegetable garden. Phil says, “Most
Saturday mornings, my dad and I would kill and dress two chickens for our family’s dinner. One of my mom’s specialties was this tarragon chicken recipe, made with fresh tarragon picked from my dad’s vegetable garden. The licorice character of the tarragon was always a great pairing with the chicken.”
The only sacrifice with this unbelievably moist chicken recipe (yes, the breast too!) is the crispy skin. The colour is there though – Florence’s trick of browning the chicken gives the appearance of an open heat roasted chicken. Still, it’s worth the sacrifice hands down to have a perfectly moist chicken every time. And gravy is off-thehook.
I have streamlined this recipe over the last couple of years as it is my husband’s favourite and I make it almost weekly. Make sure that your chicken is the correct weight for the timing to work on this recipe. And, the pot is important to seal in the steam - I use my trusty Le Creuset oval shaped Dutch oven and it is perfect.
Tarragon is my favourite herb. So French and fabulous, it utterly transforms dishes (especially chicken, fish, potato, or egg recipes) into something special. I have had success in the past growing it in my garden and will try again this year.
Jennifer Schell Lirag is an international award-winning cookbook author, putting the spotlight on B.C.’s food, farm and drink community for over 15 years. Follow her on social media at @jenniferschell8 and visit jenniferschell.com