My kid’s friends are hitting puberty harder than she is

QUESTION: My daughter is on the cusp of her pubescent years. Her legs have grown long and thin, but her torso is still shapeless and flat. Some of her friends, however, have raced past her in physical maturation and are round in all the right places. She looks like a little girl beside them.

She’s fine with it, we talk about it, she understands that growth is out of one’s control. She also dresses appropriately for her body and her age. These other girls, well, frankly, they don’t.

I was picking my daughter up from school last week, and it was an unseasonably warm day.

As the kids exited the building, they all started removing their hoodies. I was shocked when two girls in my daughter’s class, once hoodie-less, were wearing T-shirts that looked painted on to their enormous breasts.

Every parent at pickup was involuntarily staring as the girls, completely clueless, turned to walk home. Do their mothers know and not care? Do they care, but not know? I have a strong urge to tell one of them who I think might be receptive. Should I?

– Boob Alert

ANSWER: You say you think one of the moms ‘might’ be receptive. What if she isn’t?

For perspective, if I had a daughter wearing clothing that was too revealing at a too-young age, would I want to know? Probably. And I would hope that any of my friends would tell me. But I don’t think I’d want a stranger or an acquaintance sharing that with me. That would come off as judgmental.

And no parent likes to be judged.

So, stay in your lane and parent your own daughter, unless you confidently feel you are close enough to these women to speak your mind.

QUESTION: I’m 22 and volunteer at a weekend daycare. I love the kids! We have our regulars, who come for a few scheduled hours, and we have drop-ins from the kids who are registered during the week. My understanding is that it’s a special service we provide when people need extra unplanned help.

Most of the parents who I see regularly are nice and friendly. They are genuinely so grateful, and so loving with their child, upon pickup. But there’s this one mom that I just can’t understand.

Most of the times she’s dropped off her child, she hasn’t called in advance (we have limited space) but lies and says she has. She’s shifty-eyed, never says thank you, and isn’t loving to her child in front of us.

But what bothers me most is that she’ll come into our space, grab her child and almost sneak out without saying goodbye or thank you.

How do I handle this?

– Newbie

ANSWER: Definitely alert your manager/supervisor so that an adult can speak with this woman. You don’t want to turn her off bringing her child, because you know the child is safe when with you. If for some reason she refuses to comply with letting you know when she’s taking the child, you could implement other security measures, such as locked doors, or a special exit pass.

FEEDBACK Regarding the younger sister:

Reader: The writer outlined how she felt herself badly treated by her older sister at the family Christmas (where their parents were also present). An end-of-day confrontation with the sister resulted in great acrimony and she feels her sister now hates her. Her desired reconnection will be awkward, no doubt.

But might not the best path to resolution simply run through their mother who was also there that day? Perhaps she might speak to mom who could then arrange a get-together where they could air things out as you’ve suggested. As the book Prince of Tides notes, it is generally true that, in families, there are no sins beyond forgiveness.

FEEDBACK Regarding the person feeling helpless with their grieving friend:

Reader: As a retired hospital chaplain, I wanted to share my experience. People often assume that the relief felt at death, after the suffering and pain of a loved one’s illness, might somehow lessen the grief experience. But the two emotions exist side by side; grief is not ërational.’ Eventually a sense of gratitude for the relief of a loved one’s pain is usually experienced, but often not in the beginning, when the pain and expressions of loss are overwhelming. That’s why comments like ëat least he/she is no longer suffering’ are often not helpful or even well-received. A simple ‘I’m so sorry’ is usually the most appreciated.

As always, Lisi, love your column, and your insightful and compassionate advice.’

Lisi: Thank you for sharing your experience. Helping others manage grief is selfless and righteous.