Life’s Like That
I just dropped a full jar of spaghetti sauce on the kitchen floor, and it shattered when it hit the tile. The mess was so big that, for a second, I considered just...walking away.
Away from my house, my family, my life. From the oregano-scented horror I’d unleashed. ME DOING BODY POSITIVITY: I love my skin prison. MOTHER: Can you please fix my computer?
ME: [Leans back in chair] Well, well, well, if it isn’t Miss “Get Off That Computer” Years 1994 to 2006. IF ANYONE says they aren’t scared of raccoons, they are either a liar or the bravest person on earth. MULTI-TASKING
I just saw a man brushing his teeth while driving. What. Is. Happening. A NEW KIND OF MONSTER
A vampire doesn’t produce a reflection in a mirror, and whatever creature I am doesn’t register with sensors on automatic sinks and soap dispensers in public bathrooms. IN DISGUISE
Fiddleheads are just dirty corkscrew asparagus.