Tallon hopes things get hairy
After the Los Angeles Kings beat the Vancouver Canucks 4-2 in Wednesday’s opening game of an NHL Western Conference quarterfinal, someone on the Kings’ online staff tweeted: “To everyone in Canada outside of BC, you’re welcome.” Vancouver residents were offended by the comment, proving once again that they’re selfriotous, er, righteous ... L.A. against Vancouver is a great matchup: It’s smog versus smug ... Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon isn’t a big fan of playoff beards, telling the Miami Herald that the tradition “makes handsome young men look like some religious sect.” Having said that, Tallon added: “I hope our guys end up with beards all the way down to their asses.” OK, so anatomy isn’t his strong suit.
The Toronto Maple Leafs apologized Tuesday for a woeful 2011-12 season. Leafs fans apparently are on their own when it comes to the other 100 years of embarrassment ... Here’s how Twitter aficionado Paul Madsen viewed the news: “Maple Leafs apologize to fans for paper cuts received to neck from poor quality bags. Vow to supply better next year.” ... You know you suck as a hockey team when the CBC’S Rex Murphy takes a run at you. “Forty-five years out of the finals — longer than it took the trees to grow that supplied them the wood to make the hockey sticks they don’t score with,” Murphy said of the Leafs. “Whole forests have been felled for no real reason.”
A group of Cuban-americans protested outside Miami’s Marlins Park on Tuesday, at one point pushing against the locked doors in hopes of confronting team officials about manager Ozzie Guillen’s comments about Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The Marlins were ecstatic: It’s the first time people have rushed the gates going in to the park ... Guillen was suspended for five games for saying he loves Castro. Noted comedy writer Jim Barach: “(Guillen) would have gotten off a lot easier if he would have just said he loves steroids.” ... Baseball season is well underway, which prompted this from ABC’S Jimmy Kimmel: “Remember baseball? It used to be our national pastime before Facebook.”
This week’s wacky soccer story comes from England, where Fulham officials bought eight chickens and installed them in a coop at the team’s training facility. According to a team statement, the hope is that the hens will produce “a higher quality egg for consumption by the players and staff.” Fulham must want to increase its scoring, having grown tired of goose eggs ... Masters patron Clayton Price Baker, 40, was arrested Sunday after he tried to take a cup full of sand out of a trap at Augusta National. Baker has since refused comment, having adopted a bunker mentality ... Jose Maria Olazabal was given a $621 ticket Monday after he was clocked doing 97 miles per hour in a 65 zone on a Georgia highway. Olazabal hasn’t won on the PGA Tour since 1999, so it’s obviously not the first time he’s had trouble judging the speed correctly.
The Dallas Mavericks have cut ties with forward Lamar Odom, whose acquisition from the Los Angeles Lakers was a disaster. Just how bad was the disinterested Odom in Dallas? As Mavs president of basketball operations Donnie Nelson put it: “It’s like going to war with wet gunpowder.” ... Lakers forward Metta World Peace is a little nutty, so that explains his idea for Odom (whose rights still belong to Dallas). “Maybe he can come back (to the Lakers) and be a ball boy and then next year, come play,” World Peace said. “That’s what he should do. He’d be the first ball boy in the NBA that can play.” OK, then ... Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade admitted the other day that other teams think the Heat players are soft. “Not sure how perceptions like that start,” noted the Miami Herald’s Greg Cote, “but it may not have been a good idea to replace the Gatorade with soy latte.”
Former NFL quarterback Fran Tarkenton isn’t impressed with the idea of putting bounties on players. “The players I talked to from my generation are outraged about it,” Tarkenton told ESPN Radio in Chicago when discussing the New Orleans Saints scandal. “We didn’t play with bounties. (Legendary Chicago Bears linebacker) Dick Butkus didn’t have bounties on anybody, or there wouldn’t have been anybody to play because he would’ve killed them all.” ... The last word this week goes to Joe Champion, the pastor at Celebration Church near Austin, Texas. The church invited New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow to speak during an Easter service — and 15,000 people showed up. Noted Champion: “In Christianity, it’s the Pope and Tebow right now. We didn’t have enough room to handle the Pope.”