Someone’s getting a lump of coal
Agentleman portraying Santa Claus at a Christmas market in Toronto was fired last week after he was more naughty than nice. Seems a three-year-old boy was sporting a Toronto Maple Leafs toque when he went up to Santa, who reportedly told the kid he shouldn’t be wearing the toque because the Leafs “suck.” Have faith, Santa: The truth will set you free ... “At that point,” the boy’s mother, Mary Trent, told the Toronto Sun, “I took my son and told him we should go, Santa isn’t being very good today.” Someone should remind her that the Leafs haven’t been very good since the ’60s ... A bad Santa like that probably should have an equally hateable elf — but then Gary Bettman already has a job.
When a monkey wearing a fashionable coat escaped from its owners’ car and ran around the parking lot of a Toronto IKEA on Sunday, it apparently captured the attention of a number of shoppers. Noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: “It’s just nice to see that Canadians found something to fill the void left by the NHL lockout.” ... That incident epitomizes the talks between the NHL and the NHLPA: They’ve been doing nothing but monkeying around for months ... U.S. President Barack Obama weighed in on the lockout during an interview with a Minneapolis TV station Thursday, telling the sides to “do right by your fans” and make a deal. Just what the situation needs: Another outspoken left winger.
New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is to have surgery on his left hip in January, meaning he could be out until after the all-star break. As long as he’s ready for the playoffs, Yankees opponents will be happy ... Yankees legend Don Larsen recently auctioned off the uniform he wore while pitching a perfect game in the 1956 World Series. “He says the game was easy,” added comedy writer Jim Barach, “like a post-season game where you pitched to Alex Rodriguez 27 straight times.” ... Larsen’s uniform fetched $756,000 US at auction — or about 1/165th the amount that Josh Hamilton got from the Los Angeles Angels on Thursday. That makes the uniform a bargain; after all, it’s the only one of those purchases that has won a World Series.
This week’s wacky soccer story comes from South America, where Argentina’s Tigre refused to play the second half of the second leg of the Copa Sudamericana final against Sao Paulo, thus handing the hometown Brazilians the win. Tigre officials claim their players were attacked at halftime by security types, so the visitors refused to come out for the second half. By quitting, the Argentines proved they didn’t have the eye of the Tigre ... Spectator Nathan Grindal was removed from a recent darts tournament in England, reportedly because he looked too much like Jesus Christ. Apparently, some of Grindal’s fellow patrons saw him and started chanting “Jesus,” prompting security to escort him out. The other fans probably expected Grindal to turn their water into wine — or at least beer.
Shady election processes inside India’s Olympic Association prompted the International Olympic Committee to suspend India from the movement this week, meaning the country’s athletes won’t be able to participate in the Games until the suspension is lifted. “In response,” said TV’s Conan O’Brien, “India said, ‘Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.’ ” ... Former boxer Mike Tyson recently told the London Sun that he once found his then-wife, actress Robin Givens, in bed with actor Brad Pitt. Noted Bob Reno of BadJocks.com: “Either Mike is lying to get media attention because he’s promoting something. Or two, Brad Pitt can run faster than Mike Tyson.”
The NFL is thinking about increasing the number of teams that qualify for the playoffs, perhaps to 14 or 16. Added the aforementioned Barach: “Cleveland Browns fans know their chance will finally go up of making it to the playoffs when (NFL operators) increase the number to 32.” ... “It is now legal to smoke pot in Washington State,” scribbled comedy writer Alex Kaseberg. “As a result, the University of Washington has changed their mascot from the Huskies to the Snoop Dogs.” ... The last word this week goes to new University of Colorado football coach Mike MacIntyre, who used his wife, Trisha, as a prop during his introductory media conference. MacIntyre asked Trisha to stand and, when she did, he told reporters: “Looking at her, you can definitely tell I can recruit.”
(The Spectator appears Saturdays.)