Is parental shaming a form of abuse?
TORONTO — When it comes to curbing persistently bad behaviour exhibited by children, is shaming the new name of the game in parental discipline?
Scott Mackintosh recently offered a very public — and buzzworthy — lesson in modesty to his teen daughter, whom he felt was continually dressing inappropriately, by turning the spotlight on himself.
The Utah father donned a pair of short-shorts and a “Best Dad Ever” T-shirt for a family night out, resulting in embarrassment for his daughter, pointing and strange looks from observers and the image of Mackintosh in the getup going viral.
Meanwhile, other recent headlines have shown parents putting the misdeeds of their kids — and subsequent punishments — on public display.
After discovering his daughter’s profanity-laced rant railing against chores on Facebook, North Carolina dad Tommy Jordan launched into a tirade of his own — one that’s netted more than 38 million views on YouTube. He responds to his daughter’s accusations, calls her lazy and concludes by pumping bullets into her laptop.
In March, NBC affiliate 9 News profiled Fort Morgan, Colo., mom Jessica Rocha and her last-ditch attempt to make her fiance’s daughter stop stealing. She sent the eight-year-old to school in a T-shirt with the handwritten message: “I steal!!! Stealing means taking property belonging to someone else without permission.” The back read: “I steal. Please watch me.”
Rocha told the station the girl stopped stealing after one day of wearing the shirt at school. She also planned to make a “bully” shirt for her nine-year-old son whom she said liked to “back-talk teachers” and “do hateful things to students.”
Fort Morgan Schools superintendent Ron Echols said while he respected Rocha’s right to do what was best for her family he wished “she would leave the school out of it,” adding that they couldn’t support something “that is demeaning to the kids.”
Brandie Weikle, editor-inchief of Canadian Family magazine, said in observing the parental shaming trend in social media, she has found it interesting to see how polarizing the comments are in response to the actions.
“There’s plenty of people that think: ‘Way to go. That’s a parent taking a risk or being firm’ and they’re in favour of it. I guess I’m personally a little wary of that approach,” said Weikle, mother of two sons, ages six and 10.
“I would prefer more of a logical consequence, and I’m not certain that embarrassment is necessarily what logically follows from the supposed crime. I’m a bit more in favour of connecting what’s gone on to, for instance, a loss of privilege or natural consequence that has unfolded from what the child has done wrong.”
In the article Don’t Shame Children In Pursuit of Discipline, published in April by Psychology Today, research psychologist Peggy Drexler shares the story of Lisa, whose nine-year-old son Harry continued to ignore the rules against playing ball in the house.
Despite reminding Harry each time of the rule and directing him toward another activity, he wound up throwing a baseball at the TV, leaving glass shards everywhere. Lisa “flew into a rage” and screamed: “Are you kidding me? What were you thinking?!” leading to Harry’s tearful outburst.
“It’s often difficult for parents to know how to address disappointment, especially in cases where older kids ‘really should know better,’ like in the case of Harry,” Drexler wrote.
“But it’s important to remember that while discipline is crucial during all stages of raising a child, discipline is not about getting even, inducing guilt, or even punishing — all of which are forms of shaming a child. Instead, disciplining, at any age, is about correcting and guiding him toward more appropriate behaviour.”
Drexler goes on to describe shaming — whether obvious or subtle — as “ineffective and even destructive” as a form of behaviour modification “since most kids can’t distinguish between their impulses — their actions — and their selves.” Instead of condemning the behaviour, “shaming ends up condemning the child, and making him feel bad about himself,” she added.