Nothing ‘wrong’ if granddaughter has few friends

Q: My granddaughter’s a sweet, lovely, girl, and almost 17. She’s never developed friends, not even one at school. It’s always been a lonely, painful thing.

She’s a good student but has to eat alone and hang out by herself. She comes home and cries her eyes out. There are no extra curricular activities at her school at lunch time or after school, thanks to budget cuts, nor is there a guidance counsellor. Her only salvation is musical theatre at her high school.

She dresses very appropriately and is clean. She just seems to miss the “making friends” gene. Outside of school they’re a very sports-minded family so she’s played soccer, learned piano, skied, been in swimming classes, brownies, etc., but has only one friend. They’re not very close.

I’ve thought of counselling, but don’t want to add another possibility that she’d feel there’s something “wrong” with her. Her confidence is already so low.

With family, she’s affectionate and happy, but tends to be a bit withdrawn — i.e. reading, looking at her phone (nothing inappropriate). Any suggestions?

Concerned Grandmother A: She’s at an age and stage when everything in her social world could soon change — the possibilities of higher education bringing her in contact with new people.

Some of them may be more likeminded than her high school community (teenagers tend to judge harshly). Also, with all the activities she’s done, she may find sports, music, or reading clubs where she’ll make friends.

Meanwhile, encourage her about who she is — her warmth in the family, her music interest, her capabilities, etc. Confidence-boosting is part of the answer to her sociability. She doesn’t have to have lots of friends ... but she needs to feel good about herself.

Volunteering with children might be a stimulus to honing her ability to make contact, say, with children who have special needs through disabilities. It’s worth suggesting if you find a program, but don’t push it. She has to show interest.

Also, let her lead your approach. If she’s crying about not having friends, then it’d be OK for you or her parents to gently ask if she would like to talk to a counsellor ... so long as it’s clear it’s a learning experience regarding social skills, not a “fix-it.”

She’s a good student, does have one friend, participates in many activities, is otherwise happy ... there’s nothing “wrong” with her. FEEDBACK: Regarding children and reading:

Reader: “Both my kids are in their twenties and are avid readers. I did a few other things in addition to what your other readers outlined.

“Books were made to be special. They were treated with great care. To borrow books rather than buy them was not considered. In our house we always had books.

“When the children were young, I’d go to garage sales and buy children’s books for between $0.25 and $1.

“We had, at one point, 250 books that the kids called their library.

“I also told them that if there was a special book that they wanted, I’d buy it for them.

“I taught both my children to read at night time. Admittedly, I taught them how to read forward, backwards, (it’s great for practising decoding words) and upside down, which I considered as a useful skill in later life to read memos on your boss’ desk.

“I figured that for a maximum expenditure of $250 over a number of years, I created lifetime readers.”

The Book Collector

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman who’s disappointed and bitter from her past dating experience:

Reader: “You said that getting past her old unhappy stories could release bitterness and bring optimism about her future.

“It made me realize what my old stories are, and the main issue that I grew up with, which is low selfesteem.

“I’m now applying your suggestion to my daily life, and advocating for myself, while supporting my spouse and children.

“I’m setting a better example/being a better, active role model, by doing for me. For years previous, I’ve focused on doing for others at a cost to myself, resulting in bitterness or quiet resignation.

“I’m also not taking on others’ issues, unless it’s within my family and I’m asked to “listen” to an issue.

“I realized that, like that woman who wrote you, we all have work to do and we’ll each be better if we do it.”

Self-esteem Improving

ELLIE: Never too late.