Be brave, step up and include yourself
Q:My best friend’s expecting her first child in a few months and I’m over-the-moon excited for her. Her sister planned a shower for her but has chosen not to invite me because it’s “for mothers only.”
I only learned about it when my own mother received an invitation.
Her sister's reasoning is that my friend should be surrounded and supported by, and provided with advice from people who've already walked that path and can really understand what she's about to embark upon.
This has been like a punch to the gut.
I've been struggling with fertility for years and the longer it goes, the more I realize that I'll likely never get pregnant.
So not only am I not invited to the baby shower (we've been friends for over 25 years) but I'm also made to feel worthless and inferior because I'm not a mother and have failed at becoming one.
I can't talk to the friend about it since this is a surprise shower. I believe she'd be upset about me not being there.
My mother and a few other friends have said I should go anyway, but I don't want to create drama and anger when she should be enjoying her special day.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
Excluded
A:No, you have every reason to be hurt and angry.
Your friend's sister is beyond insensitive to the point of cruel indifference, even if she perhaps doesn't know all about your fertility struggle.
You are neither worthless nor inferior. You've been an important person in your friend's life through years of many different experiences.
Someone should speak to the thoughtless sister about this … but not you.
Your mother could call their mother, or a friend could call this sister directly. She should be reminded that a “best friend” is one of the most supportive people in life, and that her pregnant sister will be mortified and upset to find you left out.
She knows well of your deep wish for motherhood and how happy you are for her.
The exclusion should be overridden, even if you do have to show up without an invitation.
That'll take bravery, but if you can handle it, you're the one to be admired.
Q:When I started a new job in April of 2016, I met a man there. We don’t work in the same department but on opposite sides of the same building.
Last August we started dating, everything seemed okay. Then I discovered he'd been seeing another woman in the office. She sat on the other side of his cubicle.
He said they were not in a "relationship" but they were just hanging out, which means they were being intimate.
He broke it off with her last July. I think there was more to it because she was very upset and didn't come to work for a week.
He told me he doesn't deal with her anymore and doesn't have anything to do with her. But she was very upset at him. She's approached me a couple of times to assure me that she didn't want anything to be awkward between us.
I told her it wouldn't be because what they had together happened before me.
But I keep hearing office gossip because this woman is still feeling very hurt.
She and my boyfriend even got into an argument at work. Now he's proposed to me and I said Yes.
She left him two very vulgar, ugly voicemails, stating that he wasn't a man, and that he was a liar and disrespectful for spending the night with me in my home with my sevenyear-old daughter.
They moved her desk at work. Only a few people have congratulated us on our engagement, but I feel that they think that he wasn't genuine in this proposal.
It's only been nine months since we started dating seriously. Should I be concerned about how he treated this other woman?
Very Conflicted and Confused
A:You already are concerned. So, take a pause.
I'm not saying to break up… that's a decision you must make with conviction one way or the other. That's why you must give yourself this time to think.
While he had a right to break it off with her, he clearly hadn't treated her kindly. He also let the situation intrude into the workplace (though she was also responsible for this. And she's deeply hurt/angry).
A pause of reflection, along with a focus on what values he'd bring to family life with you and your young daughter, is essential.
You need to know more.