SANTA SOUNDS OFF
Talking sports with St. Nick
A shivering scribe has just arrived at Santa Claus’ own global transportation hub.
As the reindeer decompress from yet another world-wide whirlwind tour, jolly old Saint Nick prepares for an interview that has become a staple of this sports section.
SANTA CLAUS: Hold on. Staple??? Newspapers don’t have staples. What kind of fraudulent reporting is this? Fake news!
And what’s with all this “jolly old” nonsense? I’m younger than Jaromir Jagr, I’ll have you know. Ageism!
REGINA LEADER-POST: Ageism? I am a staunch supporter of Kevin Glenn.
SANTA: But now you’re writing that the Saskatchewan Roughriders need to find a franchise quarterback. So here’s your Christmas present — a board game called Flip Flop. Dishonest media!
L-P: I thought Santa was supposed to be jolly. Why the hostility?
SANTA: You try visiting all seven continents within 24 hours and let me know how you feel. This is the toughest journey one can imagine, except for finding a way to an Ottawa Senators home game. And now all the environmentalists are getting on my case about reindeer emissions. Something about a carbon hoofprint. One snag was that I had to put Saskatchewan licence plates on the sleigh just to be able to deliver presents in your home province. What’s worse, I got pulled over for distracted sleighing.
L-P: It is not my intent to be discourteous, sir, but Christmas is the only day you work all year. What do you do on the other 364 days?
SANTA: I play golf with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago. And he is very generous when it comes to dispensing golf tips. A good lie, he tells me, is crucial.
L-P: In light of your close relationship, I presume that you had some special gifts reserved for the President of the United States.
SANTA: Well, it is difficult to find a present for someone who already has everything, but I did find a few things — Mar-a-Lego, naturally. I also brought him 327,762,123,485 Christmas wall decorations — only to discover that there still isn’t a wall. He still vows that it will be built, and that Mexico will pay for it. Oh, and I also recognized the appointment of Michael Flynn as national security adviser by leaving a new game under the tree: “Look Out! One Wrong
Pick And The Whole Thing Falls!”
L-P: You are especially generous to Mr. Trump.
SANTA: People have him all wrong. He is actually a gentleman of unimpeachable character. In fact, he has told me that if I am ever in a pinch and absolutely, positively have to get somewhere overnight, I can borrow his team of reindeer — Sergei, Vyacheslav, Nikolai, Vladimir, Anatoly, Leonid and Spicer.
L-P: Continuing in a political vein, what gift did you bestow upon our departing premier,
Brad Wall?
SANTA: I knew that one was coming! Someone in the Saskatchewan Party fed me the questions in advance. To answer your question, Wall — the one Mexico won’t pay for — will receive a customized Scrabble dictionary. GTH is, in fact, a word — and it’s worth eight points!
L-P: Any presents for our prime minister, Justin Trudeau?
SANTA: After his very contrite apology about contravening multiple federal ethics rules, I thought he might like a board game — Sorry!
L-P: Talk about some of the places you visited this year.
SANTA: No.
L-P: (Gulp) … I mean …
SANTA: I know what you mean! All you sports media types are so lazy! Talk about … talk about ... talk about … how difficult is it to formulate and ask an actual question?
L-P: How dare you call us lazy!
SANTA: Spare me the indignation. Weren’t you one of the so-called reporters who was at the Roughriders’ practice and still managed to miss the fight between Duron Carter and Sam Williams?
L-P: No comment. SANTA: Well, Santa hasn’t forgotten you or any members of the illustrious media horde. Save for the Calgary Stampeders in the final minutes of a Grey Cup game, nobody distributes gifts with more generosity. So, to make life more comfortable during practices, each of you has received Bed-In-A-Bag. And to all a good-night …
L-P: You referenced sports — another clever segue — so let’s turn to the athletic realm. What did you leave in the Roughriders’ stockings this year?
SANTA: Ahhh, the Roughriders. I was late getting back to the North Pole this year because I had to leave a present for every one of their coaches. Not only that, we tried to land on the roof at Mosaic Stadium but there was way too much snow. Making matters worse, Chris Jones stopped Blitzen.
L-P: Did you have anything special for the head coach?
SANTA: I presented him with a newly minted, limited-edition Santa Claus coin, to be flipped when it is time to decide who should play quarterback.
L-P: Speaking of the quarterbacks …
SANTA: Kevin Glenn is actually a kindred spirit and someone I admire. He has visited nearly as many places in his career as I have in mine. I was hoping to spread some holiday-season joy to Kevin and to Brandon Bridge, but they were wary of my presence after discovering that I had a lot of sacks.
L-P: What did you do for the Riders’ fans?
SANTA: I thought they would enjoy the gift of song, in the form of the Roughriders’ album. It includes the music of Duron Duron, plus timeless classics such as “Have You Met Chris Jones?”, “They Tried To Sell Us On Vince
After his very contrite apology about contravening multiple federal ethics rules, I thought he might like a board game — Sorry!
Young,” “I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You A Water Fountain” and “Brandon Bridge Is Falling Down.” Which reminds me: I tried to bring the Roughriders the gift of pass protection, but have you ever tried to fit a 310-pound offensive lineman down a chimney?
L-P: But aren’t you of comparable girth?
SANTA: Nonsense. I’m over 72 … and I feel great!
L-P: I hate to go negative, but were there any Christmas gift requests that you were unable to accommodate?
SANTA: Well, Gary Bettman told me to disregard all requests from Quebec City, and I had a really tough time finding a Vince Young action figure.
L-P: I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you what your dear wife got for Christmas.
SANTA: Well, ask me, then! Haven’t we been through this already?
L-P: Talk about … I mean, what did you get for Mrs. Claus?
SANTA: The “Greedy Granny” game. The teeth pop out and everything. I found it at Toys “R” Us.
L-P: And, er, how did that go over?
SANTA: She gave me a gift card from Divorces “R” Us — just as we were about to mark our 167th anniversary.
L-P: I am so sorry.
SANTA: You truly are. Finally, there is honesty in the media. Just when I thought that Fox News was the last bastion of truth.
L-P: Sir, you are starting to sound a lot like Donald Trump.
SANTA: Biased media! Enough editorializing! This interview is over. Elves, take his coat! Throw him out in the cold!