You’re never too old for sexual healing
There are some intimacy woes in each decade of our lives, but most are fixable
Blame it on Netflix, smartphones, your children or your high-pressured job ... if you don’t think your sex life is up to scratch, at least you’re not alone. In May, the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles found fewer than half of people aged 16 to 44 have sex at least once a week, with the decrease most pronounced among 35- to 44-year-olds.
Here, experts reveal how to improve your bedtime satisfaction.
20s
Sex in your 20s can be hampered by anxieties over body image and “getting it right.” It’s made all the worse by social media and internet porn, says Ammanda Major, a British sex therapist. “It’s all about communication and learning to speak to each other sexually so you can share your needs and wants,” she says.
One in 10 women aged 16 to 24 reported feeling pain as a result of sex in the latest British national sexual attitude survey. “It may be that they’re not aroused enough, or it can be related to contraceptives — condoms or the hormonal methods may lead to dryness and pain,” says Cynthia Graham, professor of sexual and reproductive health at the Centre for Sexual Health Research at the University of Southampton. Talking to a family doctor is a good idea, she adds. This is the age when children often come along, and pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation can all take their toll on a couple’s sex life. “It may help to have conversations about how things may change before baby arrives,” says Major. “And be flexible. Sex might have to happen at different times now.”
After pregnancy and childbirth, incontinence and prolapse can have an effect on a woman’s sex life, both due to impact on sensation and body confidence, says Dr. Elise Dallas, women’s health specialist. Kegel exercises, during pregnancy and after birth, are key, but if you have any concerns, see your GP or a physiotherapist. Anniki Sommerville, co-author of More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters, advises couples to keep up physical contact, even when full-on sex is off the cards. “After kids you can forget to kiss for kissing’s sake, but it’s when you need affection the most and can help a couple stay close,” she says.
40s
Erectile dysfunction can happen at any age, but studies show an increase in prevalence from 40 onward, says David Goldmeier, a leading consultant in sexual health. “In the younger man, it’s usually related to performance anxiety, but in older groups it’s caused by all the same conditions that predispose to heart problems and strokes: high blood pressure and cholesterol, diabetes, being overweight. So anyone experiencing a persistent sexual problem should go to their doctor.” Treating these problems through lifestyle changes such as exercise, diet and giving up smoking can improve erectile dysfunction. “Once all the underlying causes have been looked at, you can use any of the PDE5 inhibitors such as sildenafil (Viagra).”
50s
Menopause can have profound effects on a woman’s sexual relationship. Along with vaginal dryness — which affects about 70 per cent of women — hormonal changes often result in reduced libido, says Louise Newson, a doctor who specializes in menopause. “So many women tell me they love their husbands, but just don’t feel interested. They stay downstairs and wait for their husband to fall asleep. Also, a lot of menopausal women put on weight because of metabolic changes, they’re tired, they comfort eat — they just don’t feel as sexy.” HRT can help with all these symptoms, she says, and the addition of testosterone is particularly effective for libido. Local vaginal estrogen, applied as a pessary, cream or ring, improves vaginal dryness and is safe for those who can’t use HRT.
Newsom says it’s helpful to remind yourself that sex doesn’t always have to mean intercourse: for many couples, caressing is just as satisfying. Not everyone experiences menopause as a negative stage — some have no symptoms and feel liberated by the end of periods. “Some women describe the sex in their 50s and 60s as the best they’ve ever had; they know their bodies, they know what they want and they know how to ask for it,” says Major. “So ignore generalizations.”
60s
For some, the seventh decade of life can bring the start of a new
chapter. “After divorce or death, people may find themselves dating again after being out of the game for a long time,” says Major. “Meeting someone new can be a great joy, but don’t feel rushed, or pressurized into doing anything you don’t want to do.”
Older people can be unaware of the importance of contraception, a factor that has been blamed for a sharp rise in STIS among this age group.
“If you’re in a new partnership, don’t be afraid to ask about sexual history or any issues you might need to know about. And if you have the slightest worry — discharge, bleeding, lumps or bumps — see your GP.”
For men, erectile problems will become more common and can also start as a result of health problems such as diabetes and enlarged prostate, and medications such as antihypertensive drugs. “There are things that can help, but also be kind to yourself and bear in mind that there are other ways to pleasure each other,” says Major. “Men talk about being less focused on erections at this stage, and sometimes they have to be,” adds Graham.
70s AND OLDER
“Accepting the aging process can be difficult,” says Major. “We tend to compare ourselves with other people, but it’s a good idea to instead focus on the things we do like about our bodies and to do the same for your partner.”
Giving compliments all the time can render them meaningless, she says. “Just let them know from time to time that you love that particular bit or thing they’ve done. If you’re with somebody for a long time, good sex is about constant rediscovery, remaining curious and asking: how do things need to be now?
That often helps people through difficult times.”