ASK ELLIE

Ellie helps a reader stand up for themselves against demeaning, upsetting and disrespectful behaviour from their husband and family

Q My husband of 18 years, who was divorced before we met, has two daughters. I have a son. We were strongly rejected by his sister, though I initially tried to keep a relationship. His sister’s been very mean to me and my son, even humiliating me. My husband wouldn’t stand up for me, saying I should defend myself. I argue that, as he’s family, he should be putting his sister in her place, making her acknowledge that he sees what she does. At my in-laws’ 50th wedding anniversary, with almost 150 guests, she’d created a photo video that excluded my son and me, but included my husband and his ex-wife. The photographer there was instructed not to take pictures of me and my son. My husband did nothing. My mother in-law passed away. At the florist to choose flowers for the funeral, his sister refused to allow flowers sent by my mother. She insisted that the only flowers allowed were from the family. My husband didn’t say anything. During the funeral she again put out photos of everyone but my son and me. Then, during the funeral, my husband acted as if he were a single person, doing everything his sister told him, leaving me apart from the family, left on the side with my son and his fiancé. I’d loved my mother-law and tried to be there as much as possible, but also had to avoid my sister-in-law. I can’t understand why my husband’s afraid to insist that it’s unacceptable for me or my son to be humiliated publicly, when he should be my partner and my support. I’ve decided to stop attending any of his family’s future functions. I can’t reconcile that my husband just walks away when I need him most. I know he’s a good man, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust that he’ll be there for me. How can I make him understand that he needs to speak up and be there for his wife?

— Frustrated and Deeply Hurt

A You say he’s a “good man,” but he’s not good to you. Your son is grown and will soon respond as he wishes, likely by avoiding this rude, hostile woman completely.

You’re left with a huge unresolved issue in your marriage: Your husband is weak when it comes to his sister.

He believes you must handle this on your own, but that’s cowardice on his part and/or he fears his sister will turn on him.

Do not accept this demeaning, upsetting, and disrespectful treatment from either of them any longer.

Do not see her or acknowledge her. Invite his father over without her, and visit/meet him somewhere when she’s not around.

If your husband objects, tell him that he allowed his sister’s behaviour to divide you, when he could’ve supported you years ago.

His reaction will affect whether your commitment to your marriage can survive this breach.