ASK FOR HELP, SAYS ADVOCATE
Bernstein educates youth on fighting self-harm
Ashley Bernstein always had a smile on her face.
Positive and social, she was willing to be involved in any school activity while attending university. When she wasn’t in class, she was out dancing every night.
Under that exuberant surface was a lot of pain.
“I always tell people I had a good mask on my face,” says the 28-yearold Regina woman, who publicly came forward around 2013, revealing that she had been self-harming for the previous 10 years.
Now having gone through a journey of healing, Bernstein advocates for awareness of mental health issues by sharing her story with youth and writing about her experiences on her blog.
“Mental health is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s a part of life, and we all deal with mental health and mental illness, either directly or indirectly,” says Bernstein.
Bernstein juggles so many responsibilities, it’s easy to forget she’s only human. She’s a youth care worker at Ranch Ehrlo Society, an organization that provides education and support programs for young people. Many of her clients are going through the same struggles she did.
On her own time, Bernstein volunteers with Understand Us, a charity that goes to high schools to educate youth about mental health.
Bernstein wants to make helping people her career. She majored in sociology at the University of Regina, and is now planning to earn a master’s degree in clinical social work.
As if all that didn’t keep her busy enough, Bernstein is in her sixth season as a member of the Saskatchewan Roughriders cheerleading team, coaches the University of Regina’s dance team and teaches dance lessons. Her favourite type of dance is jazz.
Bernstein’s past struggles aren’t immediately noticeable upon meeting her, but she still carries the effects on her body. There are lines of scars on her left forearm, as well as on her right thigh, where she would cut herself. The scars have faded thanks to cosmetic medical treatments she underwent in 2017, but they are still visible.
That’s fine, because Bernstein isn’t interested in hiding that part of her life. She even refers to them as battle scars.
“I kind of wear them with pride, because I made it through that tough time, and I’m able to share my journey of that time now and be proud of it,” she says.
Overtop of the scars on her arm is a tattoo of a circle that looks like it was made with a paintbrush stroke. The tattoo, which is of an enso symbol, is meant to represent her journey and the imperfections within it.
“I think it’s important for people to know that nobody’s perfect and nobody lives a perfect life,” she says.
Self-harming does not signal suicidal tendencies. It’s an unhealthy way for someone to cope with their emotions, explains Donna Bowyer, the program director for training and education with the Canadian Mental Health Association’s Saskatchewan division.
Self-injury is more common in youth, who can start as young as 10 years old. There isn’t one singular reason why someone starts self-harming.
Bowyer compares it to a volcano. A person’s emotions build up inside them until they can’t take it anymore.
“When they self-harm it’s like they relieve that pressure,” says Bowyer.
Bernstein began cutting herself when she was in Grade 6.
During her childhood, she and her younger sister were emotionally abused by an alcoholic parent. Bernstein says she didn’t understand what she was feeling at the time. Her mind was flooded with negative thoughts.
“I think I was holding a lot of guilt. I think I blamed myself for my parent being an alcoholic and me not being able to help,” she says.
Bernstein’s struggle would continue all the way into university, when she also developed an eating disorder. Because she was dancing professionally, it became harder to hide her cut marks. Bulimia was an alternative way for her to have some degree of control over her body.
Things kept getting worse. Bernstein’s marks began to drop. She pushed away friends. Her world was collapsing.
The tipping point was when she realized her life was beginning to resemble her alcoholic parent.
Bernstein describes the moment as prompting her to start walking back towards the light instead of staying on her dark path.
She began reaching out to friends and family for support. Some of them were even able relate to her story because they had gone through the same struggles.
“It helped me a lot in my recovery, because I was able to see that other people could connect with me and other people who are going through similar things. So I felt a little bit less alone.”
Coming forward about her story may seem like a triumph, but it hasn’t always been perfect.
Bernstein says she is still scared when sharing the details. Being so transparent about mental health has come with some judgment, or people who deride her as attention-seeking.
Bernstein admits she’s still hard on herself at times. Looking at the kids with whom she works, she will compare her experience to theirs, and wonder why she couldn’t have been stronger if others have it so much worse.
Bernstein is still humble about all she’s accomplished, but finding someone else to speak highly of her is not a challenge.
Nicole Wegner, who coached Bernstein on the Roughriders’ cheer team, described her as an “exceptionally positive” person who constantly exceeded her expectations.
“Ashley is one of the most lovely, kind, and brilliant humans I know,” says Wegner, who coached Ashley from 2012 to 2016, and now lives in Sydney, Australia.
Wegner was surprised when she first learned what this vibrant, hard-working woman had been struggling against. It also made sense when Wegner thought about how compassionate Bernstein was with other members of the team.
Looking back on this now, Wegner believes it was because Bernstein knew what it was like to face hardships. She commended Bernstein for her courage to be so public about something many still keep secret.
“I deeply respect Ashley’s willingness to share her story, because she does so in the hopes to lift up others who might also struggle with mental-health challenges. Her humility and vulnerability are something I wish I exhibited with the same type of ease as Ashley does.”
The biggest advice Bernstein gives to people who are struggling is to ask for help. She realizes this isn’t easy, and wishes she had done so earlier in her life.
“Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or anything like that. If anything, it makes you stronger,” she says.
Bowyer agrees it is crucial to let people know there are options for seeking help, and that there is hope.
For anyone with a friend or family member who is self-harming, Bowyer advises them to not react negatively or try to exert control over them, such as taking away anything that could be used for cutting. Self-harming is sometimes done by people who feel they have no control over their life, so taking any control away from them doesn’t help.
Instead, Bowyer advises people to make themselves available for that person and hopefully give them an opportunity to talk about it.
“Ask them what you can do to help them. Don’t try to direct them,” says Bowyer.
Bernstein doesn’t claim to have a perfect life today either, and wants people to know it’s OK to have bad days.
Those days never go away, even if someone is able to recover from their history with self-harm. It’s how someone copes with those bad days that can be changed. Bernstein now has much healthier ways of coping. She has a support system of friends, and says writing helps her get out her emotions and feelings.
Attitudes around mental health have shifted, but Bernstein thinks there’s still work to be done to reduce the stigma. There are still kids today who are going through what she did. Now she has the opportunity to give them the knowledge she didn’t have, whether it’s through her career or volunteering.
Bernstein realizes her life took a positive turn, and she wants to give back. It’s one of the many things that continue to give her joy.
“I love being able to share my story because I do make a lot of connections with that. And yeah, I did go through a tough time, but I’m able to kind of celebrate it now by sharing it with people.”
Anyone experiencing a mental health crisis can contact Crisis Services
Canada at 1-833-456-4566. Youth can also speak with a counsellor by contacting the Kids Help
Phone by texting 686868 or calling 1-800-668-6868. mmelnychuk@postmedia.com