ASK ELLIE

There’s no favouritism, just the natural need for everyone to be civil and respectful to each other

QMy live-in partner of five years and I get along, and mostly share the same interests and opinions. Her older son and daughter live on their own. My two daughters, newly at an out-oftown university, are home only sporadically. We’ve discussed marriage, but my partner despises my daughters and the feeling ’s reciprocated. They can’t have a civil discussion about anything and are rude to each other. My partner can be tyrannical about a clean house with everything in its place. My daughters are more relaxed about household chores. No matter with whom I agree, I’m accused of favouritism. Setting boundaries doesn’t work. I’m afraid that once we’re married, my daughters or my future wife may opt out of family functions. Can I make anyone happy? Man in the Middle

AGet out of the middle. These are your daughters. Address the situation with your partner as equal adults with reasonable expectations of these students.

They should be expected to make beds they’ve slept in, to wash dishes they’ve used, and leave outdoor shoes at the front door.

They should not be expected to be “perfect” householders when they visit.

If your partner’s fixated on this, include the cost of an occasional cleaner for the day after your daughters visit.

These young women need to know that you love them, and that you also love your partner. There’s no favouritism, just the natural need for everyone to be civil and respectful to each other.

However, your partner has to be the other mature adult here, if she wants a long, happy union with you.

Instead, she’s contributing to this immature standoff.

Boundaries apply to her, too. These are your daughters, and you want/need them in your life if at all possible.

She must try to be welcoming and friendly, interested in how they’re doing at school, and open to sharing some lighter moments … e.g. through watching a movie together, etc.

Unless she recognizes that she’s as much a part of the problem as they are, your marriage plans will likely be postponed, maybe even re-considered.

QMy 29-year-old nephew has a bad temper, like my late brother, his father. Having once experienced my nephew’s vicious outbursts, I mostly avoid him. However, I like his wife and love to see their adorable threeyear-old daughter when our extended family has holiday get-togethers. I bumped into his wife yesterday but was shocked when she started crying when I greeted her. She said my nephew repeatedly shoved her and punched a hole in the wall during an argument. She said it wasn’t the first time that he was physically abusive to her and she’s afraid of him. Her daughter witnessed the fight and was screaming with fear, she said. Is there any way I can help her without getting involved? Upset Aunt

AYou’re legally and morally obliged to get involved.

That doesn’t mean a physical confrontation, but rather, a private gathering of family members to discuss an intervention and get him to anger management therapy, during a period of his having to stay away from his home and family.

If he refuses, his wife must get a police restraining order, contingent on his getting this counselling, to protect herself and her child.

They need your help, immediately.