Will Santa bring Regina a Grey Cup?
But the man in the red suit didn’t forget gifts for our fellows in green and white
This nomadic, deadline-stressed scribe is impatient and frozen, too.
Santa Claus was scheduled to return from his worldwide tour several hours ago, whereupon the annual, fabricated post-christmas interview was to have commenced.
But in the absence of the interviewee, I am standing outside Santa’s workshop, awaiting his arrival and barely tolerating the frigid conditions.
So many questions. So little time.
Oh … hold on! There is a sighting.
BREAKING NEWS!
Every minute being precious, we will attempt to corner Santa as he disembarks from his sleigh …
Q Excuse me, Santa. Got a minute?
A A minute? I set the example, far and wide, for load management. I don’t have to work again until Dec. 25 — and, as a bonus, 2020 is a leap year. Please know that I always have time for you, whoever you are.
Q You consumed far more time than usual while dispensing gifts across the globe. Why was your excursion so lengthy?
A This year, for a change, we took two sleighs, so we had twice as many presents to deliver to all the boys and girls. I got the idea from Justin Trudeau. If he can have two campaign planes, why can’t I have a second sleigh? The only challenge involved finding another eight reindeer that can fly.
On Carbon! On Donald and Nixon!
Q How did you afford the second sleigh?
A Being as frugal as we are, we had to be resourceful in order to scrape together the extra cash. When that didn’t get us anywhere, one of our, shall we say, technical-support people invoiced the City of Saskatoon and asked for $1.04 million. That covered all the costs quite nicely, thank you. On Burner! On Hacker and Scammer!
Q Why not contact the City of Regina instead?
A It seemed that everyone there was preoccupied with the Capital Pointe site. I understand that the land will soon be sold for a hole-sale price. One child’s wish list included a train set, with the unexpected consequence being that traffic was stopped on the Ring Road for 45 minutes. And, by the way, whatever happened to The Chimney? I totally lost my bearings. Once I was able to make my rounds, I tried to be especially generous to residents of your fair city, considering the sensitivities involving the Saskatchewan Roughriders. When I flew over Mosaic Stadium, I saw the uprights — including the facility’s two north poles — and was reminded of the loss to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the West Division final. I felt so terrible for Cody Fajardo when his final pass hit the crossbar, so I thought it might be bad form to give him a game of Kerplunk.
Q Good call.
A Unlike the shotgun handoff on second-and-goal from the 1 1/2-yard line! And what was the deal with having Fajardo run laterally on third-and-goal from the one when he was already battling an oblique injury? Anyway, I gave everyone in the Roughriders organization gift cards from Home Depot, in the hope that they could do something to address their yard issues. The new offensive co-ordinator should help, too, so hopefully Jason Maas won’t require any Play-d’oh!
Q What other gifts did you bestow upon residents of Riderville?
A Ever mindful of head coach Craig Dickenson and his clock-management issues late in the first half, the Timeout trivia game seemed to be a fitting gift. And, given Charleston Hughes’ ability to track down the opposing quarterback, I thought he might enjoy some personalized Santa Sacks. And I did give Cody Fajardo some candy cane sprinkles, along with an unlimited supply of envelopes and stamps. I think he gets more fan mail than I do.
Q Looking across a broader spectrum, what was under the trees of notable Cflers?
A Every member of the B.C. Lions’ porous offensive line received Baby’s First Blocks, courtesy of Fisher-price. I couldn’t decide which present would be most suitable for Winnipeg’s Andrew Harris, so I gave him two games.
Q What did you get for the CFL commissioner?
A Ahhh, Randy Ambrosie — the only person who has been to more countries than I have of late. To help the league reduce travel, food and accommodations expenses, I have given him mannequins that can substitute for the global players who, with rare exceptions, stand on the sideline throughout the game and don’t do anything.
Q While we are on a global theme, how did you spread your good cheer across the world?
A Donald Trump had asked for some Polyfilla to plug all the leaks in the White House, along with the Collusion Course video game. Plus, I thought he and Melania might enjoy some football, so I gave them choice seats for the Chick-fil-a Impeach Bowl, between LSU and Oklahoma.
Q How about some of Trump’s fellow world leaders?
A Kim Jong-un asked for a new set of golf clubs that will help him reduce his 18-hole score to 17. The key, he informs me, is a good lie. Vladimir Putin, a man of refined tastes, asked for something new, so I brought him a shirt. The rest of his wardrobe requires major alterations, so I suggested that he contact the Russian anti-doping laboratory.
Q There is so much cheating, everywhere you look. How does a jolly old soul prevent himself from becoming cynical and jaded?
A You just have to have a little fun with it. It’s no accident that I gave every employee of the Houston Astros and New England Patriots the I SPY Memory Game. And then it was on to Cincinnati ...
Q And thank you, in closing, for my gift — Flip Flops Bendables, which reflected my vacillation as to whether the departure of Roughriders offensive co-ordinator Stephen Mcadoo really was a good idea. I really appreciate you thinking of me in addition to taking the time to do this interview.
A It was my pleasure. (Santa pauses to call security.) Oh, before you go, may I ask you a question for a change?
Q Sure, but make it quick. I’m on deadline.
A Do you happen to know anybody who wants some of these leftover Babsocks?