TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY FOR A LACK OF COUNTING ABILITY
`Humbling realization' reveals column discussed CFL'S 8 teams but ... there are 9
Welcome to a landmark moment in (burp) journalism: The lengthiest correction in the history of newspapering.
Typically, a correction consists of a sentence or two at the bottom of an online story or a printed page. So I thought about that. I really did.
Then it hit me: What if a sporting figure — someone I routinely critique in the line of duty — were to commit a gaffe even remotely as monumental as the one that appeared in this cherished space on Wednesday?
I would have a field day. I would mock and malign the gormless individual.
But, in this case, that individual — the person who is clearly lacking gorm — is, er, me.
With that in mind, I became introspective — so introspective, in fact, that I looked up the meaning of “introspective.” Clearly, this is serious business.
After several sombre hours of introspecting, if there is indeed such a word or process, I arrived at the sobering, humbling realization that the only respectable course of action would be for me to prostrate myself in front of the reader(s), acknowledge the inexplicable, inexcusable stupidity of the error, and inflict upon the audience an interminable run-on sentence such as this.
The error, in this instance, was a colossal failure to count.
Accordingly, I need to own this error.
In Wednesday's column, which decried what I perceive to be the marginalization of Canadians within the CFL, the readership was informed (?) that the league consisted of eight teams.
Not once, but twice. Seriously. What the …?
Having filed that column, I devoted most of the remainder of the day covering the CFL draft, in which nine (9) teams participated.
Not for a nanosecond did it occur to me that a detail in my column was erroneous, even though each of the (gulp) eight rounds consisted of NINE picks.
That is the baffling part. Why did the alarm bells not go off like Big Ben at some point? How do I explain this?
I can't, actually.
How did one incorrect word, used twice, prompt 700 words of THIS?
Before submitting the fateful column, I re-read it several times, without the most fundamental factual error jumping off the screen at any point.
So I keep wondering and wailing: Where, oh where, did the “eight” come from?
Had my mind wandered to the results of my most recent IQ test?
Was I hopelessly welded to 1987?
On June 24 of that year, the sudden folding of the Montreal Alouettes pared the ranks of the CFL to eight teams.
A hastily scheduled dispersal draft allowed the Roughriders to reclaim Dave Ridgway, who three years earlier had set a CFL record for field goals in a game. In fact, he tied that record one year later.
The record number of field goals: Eight. (Nailed it.)
I shouldn't even joke about it — too late — because it is so embarrassing.
I mean, honestly ... how does such a basic number elude me?
As an inveterate numerical nerd, I can burrow into the recesses of what may generously be described as my brain and dredge up the most obscure facts or statistics pertaining to the least memorable members of the Roughriders, Regina Pats, Montreal Expos, etc.
Did you know, for example, that former Roughriders defensive back Todd Mcmillon used to be a model? Always dapper, he was often dressed to the eights.
If you want to know how many touchdown passes Bob Pearce, Willie Wilder, Rodney Parker, Freeman Johns, Prince Wimbley
III (or is it VIII?), Moody Jackson, Alex Carroll, Tron Armstrong, Leroy Campbell and/or Dan Depalma caught for the Roughriders, just ask me. Then prepare to be bored into submission for several hours. (Nobody invites me to parties for a reason.)
Absolutely pointless and irrelevant trivia: Did you know that Wilder averaged 83 yards per touchdown catch in 1979? The distances: 96 and 70 yards.
The quarterbacks: Craig Juntunen (on the 96-yarder) and Lloyd Patterson.
The 70-yarder accounted for Patterson's only CFL TD pass. He was intercepted 12 times in only 113 attempts. His completion percentage: 35.4.
And he was still more accurate than Wednesday's column.
Even though a vault of useless information has been retained, a reliable reportage of the number of teams in the CFL — a league I have followed with some ardour for 50-some years — now appears to be beyond my capabilities. At least once, anyway.
Once, alas, is far too often.