Heading to Walt Disney World? Perk up mouse ears for advice

ORLANDO, Fla. — First things first: We go through Epcot security, where they paw through our bags to make sure we don’t spoil anyone’s day with bombs or pistols, then we juke around the enormous faceted sphere that symbolizes Progress, or something. Straight up toward the fountain, around to the right, and huzzah: free Coke. All you can drink. It’s the World of Coke attraction, with flavours from around the globe.

I pour a glass of Beverly, an Italian drink described by most people as a remarkably undrinkable abomination, and give it to my daughter. She refuses it. I drink it off and have another, daring all to marvel: See the man who willingly drinks Beverly.

It’s how we start our day at Epcot, a family tradition. How did I know it was there?

Because I’ve been to Walt Disney World and its four theme parks a few times in my day, and I know a thing or two.

So here you go, friends: insider tips they don’t want you to know.

Where to stay?

Not everyone wants to stay at a Disney-owned resort. We call these people communists. But if you want to go “off-property,” as we insiders call it, the enormous Dolphin and Swan hotels are popular; they’re also designed by Michael Graves, who did that snappy line of brooms and toilet brushes for Target.

Dining plan or not?

If you’re staying on property, they’ll offer the Dining Plan. You get two snacks, two drinks, one standup dining, one table-service dining, one sit-down dining, one squat-and-waddle dining, one dessert per person per day. There’s a point system. The terminology is not exactly intuitive, and the staff probably wants to scream because they have to explain this over and over and over again to people. But it’s worth it, providing you stick to it.

Souvenir strategy

The parks have ample opportunities for buying licensed merchandise, and the variety will stun you. If you want to get it done in one place, the store at Downtown Disney is the largest. Great, you say: We’ll avoid buying anything in the park, then go there on our last day. To which a veteran says, with a rueful smile: You just try that now, and we’ll wish you all the luck. What happens is the opposite: You go to Downtown Disney the first night you arrive and pick up more stuffed junk as the trip goes on.

Learn about Fastpass

These are reservations you can place for the most popular rides, like Space Mountain at the Magic Kingdom. The minute you’re in the park, run for the ride with heedless granny-tramplin’ speed. Knock over things! Overturn baby carriages! Just shout “Fastpass admission” and folks will understand. I’m absolutely serious about this.