Dads’ approach to parenting changing
Canadian dads are spending more time with their children, claiming new territory in domestic life, and taking parental leave at an unprecedented rate. But call them “involved fathers” at your own risk.
Though meant as a compliment — the term has flourished as men make inroads as caregivers — a new study finds many dads see it as backhanded, with the implied default being detachment. Tim Wilson, a single dad for nearly a decade, has been responsible for every facet of 10-year-old son Alex’s life.
Indeed, when was the last time you heard a woman described as an involved mother?
To be published Saturday, the White Ribbon Campaign report focuses on the evolution of fatherhood in Canada. The lead researcher sees it as a kind of ballast, countering lingering misconceptions about men playing a limited role in their children’s lives.
“We’re really familiar with the less positive aspects of fathering: the uninvolved father, the abusive father, the disciplinarian. But we felt that there was a different story to tell,” said project lead Ian DeGeer, a PhD candidate at Wilfrid Laurier University.
The study is based on interviews with 53 fathers of diverse incomes, cultures and family arrangements, in nine focus groups held across Ontario between May and November 2013. Though not generalizable to the population, the findings provide a rich snapshot of fatherhood at a moment in time.
“Involved,” for instance, was revealed to hold very different meanings for different dads.
For some, it was about contributing equal amounts of time to care-giving. For others, it came down to extracurriculars: facilitating activities, attending parentteacher conferences, chaperoning birthdays and so on. And for a third group, the expression didn’t resonate at all.
“Being a father meant being involved,” said DeGeer. “They took exception to the term and instead preferred words like ‘active.’ ”
Tim Wilson, a single dad for nearly a decade now, is among those who’d happily nominate the expression — which he described as being “past its prime” — for retirement. At the same time, however, being responsible for every facet of his child’s life hasn’t stopped strangers from jumping to outdated conclusions.
“The automatic assumption — especially when Alex was little and I was pushing a stroller — was that I was giving mom a break. What a great dad I was!” said Wilson, a gay man who has raised his 10-year-old son solo from 18 months.
“EVEN NOW, WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I’M A STAY-AT-HOME FATHER, THEIR FIRST QUESTION IS ALWAYS, ‘WHY?”
JASON PILLON
Wilson remarked that even experts who should know better often treat dads as a second thought, pointing to a Canadian parenting magazine he said “should just be called ‘Mom.’ ”
The study found societal perceptions of men’s roles also revealed themselves through dads’ decisions to take parental leave — something Windsor-based toolmaker Jason Pillon experienced firsthand.
“Some of the comments (from co-workers) were, ‘Oh my God, you’re taking time off to change diapers?’ ” said Pillon, whose sons are nine and six. “Even now, when I tell people I’m a stay-at-home father, their first question is always, ‘Why?’ ”
Nevertheless, his experience has been so rewarding, Pillon would like to see parental leave for dads made mandatory — not only to foster stronger bonds between father and child but to promote empathy around the demands of domestic life.
“I’ll be returning to work in the future and it will be much easier than staying at home with the children,” said Pillon, laughing.
Researcher DeGeer said his study’s conclusion is that “fatherhood as a social construct is changing.” Among the most consistently expressed desires by dads, for example, was to parent their kids differently than their own fathers did them.
“We’re really beginning to see a shift in the internal expectations men have of themselves,” said DeGeer, a father of twin girls. “They’re no longer prepared to be absent from the lives of their children.”
The report reflects a partnership between Dad Central and the White Ribbon Campaign. It can be viewed beginning Feb. 15 at whiteribbon.ca/give-love-get-love.