How to survive the grim task of modern camping

Summer vacation for a lot of people means one thing: Camping.

To partake of the great outdoors is a wonderful thing, especially after the noisy drunks at the next campsite have passed out. Camping, however, can also be dangerous. Our prehistoric ancestors, who camped out all the time, enjoyed an average life expectancy of only 35 years, and that was before they had gasoline to start their campfires.

The first rule of modern camping, incidentally, is never use gasoline to start a campfire. Nothing spoils a camping trip like having your dad consumed by a huge fireball. The safe way to start a fire is with natural kindling. Send the kids out to gather twigs and fallen branches. Be sure to warn them not to get lost. Children who get lost in the bush almost always say later they wish someone had warned them not to.

Among the riskiest of camping activities is splitting logs for the campfire. There simply is no way to do it without using an axe, the second-most dangerous of camping-related tools, after the siphon hose. The problem in this case is with people who live in the city for 51 weeks of the year and suddenly think they know how to use an axe. Next thing you know, they’re speeding back to town with someone’s toes on ice in the beer cooler. Better to leave the wood splitting to someone more experienced with an axe who has already lost all his toes.

Before you start swinging, always check that the axe head is securely attached to the handle. People at the next campsite aren’t going to like it if you have to ask them for your axe head back. At least wait until they have gone for medical attention. And next time you go camping, bring a duralog.

Bears present another serious risk for campers. Both abundant and potentially dangerous, bears are attracted to almost any kind of food. I say “almost” because there are some foods bears don’t care for. Avocado, for instance. If you have an avocado in your backpack when you’re attacked by a bear, the avocado has an excellent chance of surviving the encounter intact.

Experts recommend leaving food in the vehicle when bears are marauding around the campsite. To me, it makes no sense to protect food inside the vehicle while people remain in their tent protected only by a thin layer of nylon. If bears are present, leave your food in the tent. It’s campers who should be in the vehicle. You can always get more food but you can’t replace little Augie.

The prospect certainly is terrifying, but bear attacks, in reality, are blessedly rare. The chance of being attacked by a bear in Canada is statistically smaller than that of being struck between the eyes by a loose axe head. That’s another good reason for remaining in the vehicle.

Some campers equip themselves with repellent bear spray or so-called bear bangers. These can be effective, but they are no substitute for smearing peanut butter on the slowest person’s hat.

Something campers often overlook is food safety, especially after their cooler has reached the same ambient temperature as “the box” in Cool Hand Luke. Human prisoners can survive it but most foods cannot:

“At least this spinach still looks good.” “It’s not spinach. It’s bacon.” Campers routinely are stricken by food poisoning without realizing why they’re sick. That’s because the symptoms of food poisoning are similar to those of ingesting any combination of s’mores and warm Pilsner beers totalling more than 24. If you are still alive the next day, it probably was food poisoning.

Something else campers have to deal with are biting bugs, including horseflies, blackflies, mosquitoes and ticks. To minimize the damage, experienced campers wear long-sleeved shirts buttoned all the way up, long pants with the cuffs tucked into their socks and a floppy hat, all of it doused with insect repellent. As an added benefit, this look also will discourage any bites from the opposite sex.

Since campgrounds often are beside a lake, water safety also can be an issue. Balanced against the risk of drowning, however, is the chance to dive in when your clothes are on fire.