Why are we still using plastic drinking straws?

I got some takeout from one of the city’s finest restaurants this past weekend, and was discouraged to find two plastic drinking straws in the bag.

I’d ordered only one drink with my McDouble, so why two straws?

It was a mistake, clearly. But maybe the real question should be “why any straws at all?”

The straw issue is one of those things that humanity will look back on and scratch its head over. “You actually had plastic straws that you used just once and threw out? What was wrong with you people?”

Straws, unless you need them for medical reasons, are stupid. Do you use straws in your own kitchen? No? Well how on earth do you manage to get liquids into your body? What’s that, you say? Gravity? Simply by tipping a glass to your lips? Sounds too easy.

Plastic straws are used for four minutes on average but last, essentially, forever. They end up in landfills or in the ocean, where they harm sea life. That’s unacceptable for something the vast majority of us could live without.

Americans use 500 million plastic drinking straws every day. You could circle the earth twice with them, according to the anti-straw group The Last Plastic Straw. Not that you’d want to. I mean, strangers have had them in their mouths.

What I really love is how they started wrapping each straw in paper. I’m guessing that reassures the consumer that no other human has ever touched it. It also reassures the aliens who are waiting to invade our planet that we really are idiots. Do you remember how people were dropping like flies before we started wrapping straws? No?

Plastic straws are used for four minutes on average but last, essentially, forever. They end up in landfills or in the ocean …

By the way, can anyone tell me how to unwrap those things? Do you rip it down the side? Do you tear the top off and squeeze the tube out like toothpaste? Do you rip it off halfway down and then blow through the straw to propel the rest of the wrapper off? It doesn’t matter, really, as long as you ignore the trash can like everybody else and leave the wrappers on the counter and the floor.

Are there alternatives to single-use plastic straws? There are. There are biodegradable ones. There are reusable ones. There are paper ones.

I remember paper straws from

my childhood in the 1920s. They worked perfectly fine until the end got soggy. But all you had to do was rip the soggy part off and keep sucking. Paper straws were more versatile than plastic ones. For instance, you could set them on fire by sticking them into a space heater. When it got nice and flamey and you started scaring yourself, you could blow it out. I can’t say how I know this. But let me just say that disinterested grandpas don’t make the best babysitters.

For the good of the Earth, people have started to realize how ridiculous it is to use a piece of plastic for a few seconds and then throw it away. Various restaurants in Canada have started making straws optional. A resort in Tofino, according to a Metro News article, is saving 12,000 straws a year.

Seattle is going to ban plastic straws and utensils next June, the first U.S. city to do so.

I can’t imagine a credible argument in favour of straws. Like, for instance, the little stirstick straws you get in drinks at the bar. Yes, it’s fun to chase the ice cubes around the glass with them. But is that worth having some poor turtle getting one stuck up his nose? Try drinking from the glass instead. But what if the rim of the glass isn’t clean? Well, maybe you should get drunk in a classier establishment.

Life without plastic straws won’t be the same, but I think we’ll adapt. For instance, you can buy metal straws. I can’t see myself carrying around my own, largely because I’d impale myself every time I sat down. I suggest the perfect alternative straw: the Twizzler. It’s hollow in the middle. It folds up for easy storage. And when you’re finished your drink, you can eat it. The oceans’ animals are applauding. Or maybe they’re begging for Twizzlers, it’s hard to tell.