WOOF! WOOF! WE CANINES CELEBRATE END OF HALLOWEEN

On behalf of dogkind, let me say how glad I am that Halloween is over.

Sure, it’s fine for humans. But have you for a second considered what it’s like for your canine companions? Let me tell you, it suuuuukkkkkssssss.

First of all. Wait a second, did I just hear something? Nevermind. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the commotion.

Let’s start with the doorbell. You know I have a problem with the doorbell. You do realize that my hearing is about a million times better than yours, right? What you should be doing is protecting me from that horrible, horrible ringing. Looking like you feel sorry for me isn’t cutting it.

Hey, is that a piece of meat on the floor? No. Definitely wasn’t food. Glad I ate it anyway. But I’m still smelling something scrumptious. Maybe there’s some new garbage under the sink. I’ll have to monitor the situation.

Anyway, you know how I am about one single stranger coming to the door. It freaks me out. You’ve seen me, I lose it. Now multiply that by about 100. And you do nothing to discourage this insanity. You should be opening the door and telling everybody to get lost. But no. You’re giving them candy. If you feed these strays, they’ll keep hanging around. Believe me, I know — I’m a dog, remember?

WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! I know that was just a car driving by, but it had a really loud muffler. What else was I going to do?

But back to last night when you kept telling me to be quiet. “It’s OK, Suzie. It’s just trick or treaters. Sit. Stay. Quiet. Go lay down. Lay down.” What was all that about? I was just doing my job. Who else is going to protect you? You don’t even have fur. Your teeth are dull. You’re practically helpless. Oh, how demeaning to be dismissed like that. Don’t you realize those could have been cats at the door?

I would like to take the opportunity at this juncture to lick my private parts. Aaah, that’s better. Now where were we? Right. Candy. What’s with the chocolate? You know I can’t have it, right? From what I can tell, it’s not that good for you, either, if you get what I mean. Halloween would be a lot more interesting if you gave out liver kisses and rabbit ears, but that’s just my opinion.

And so there I am, cooped up in the house for the evening with all hell breaking loose. Horrible looking children walking on my lawn, ringing the doorbell, yelling “trick or treat,” accepting candy as if they deserved it and just basically making me miserable. And my reward for putting up with this trauma is to miss out on the evening walk. You know how much I like the evening walk — the relief of going to the bathroom in a nice-smelling spot, the thrill of seeing some other dog out there and reacting like it’s the first dog I’ve ever seen in my life, the added bonus of finding delicious rabbit droppings under a spruce tree. Really, I’m all about the evening walk. Oh, but not on Halloween. I might find it upsetting. AS IF STAYING IN THE HOUSE IS RELAXING!

Counting my blessings here. At least you don’t dress me up. Dog costumes are a violation of the Doggie Geneva Convention. They are cruel and inhuman. Google ‘taco dog costume.’ You’ll find a gallery of the most puzzled, depressed, humiliated ... just a second, got to scratch myself here.

Hey, did you hear something? I thought I did. Maybe not.

You see? My nerves are shot. It’s going to take a whole year to get over this. Put me on the list for a companion dog.

What’s that? A Dentabone? Awesome! All is forgiven.