Let’s spare our single friends the misplaced pity

The new reality is that happy couples are now the minority — or the freaks

I saw a meme being shared on Facebook which basically said, “when your ex is still single and you’re not … so who really was the problem?”

This annoyed the crap out of me because just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. And just because you found someone who tolerates your morning breath, that doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a perfect human being. All that matters is that if you do meet someone they improve your life, because, y’know, duh? Why would you be with someone if being with them is the relationship equivalent of chewing aluminum foil?

According to a Canadian statistic, 53 per cent of adults are single. For one of the first times in Canadian history, single people outnumber the coupled up. So if you are single, you are the normal one. Those people who sit on the couch together watching Netflix in between raiding the fridge and blaming the other one for sneaking farts — they are the freaks.

If you are young, it may feel like everyone but you is in a relationship or at least dating someone. That’s because you are ... uh … randy. And that’s normal. When you’re young, your hormones are stronger than your brain, which makes you think that a dude with perfect abs is basically a god, when he’s just a moron who loses his I.D. every other weekend. Or that girl with the nice boobs who made eye contact with you in the elevator — that one time — is the future mother of your children.

Not that older people don’t have hormones making them act the fool, but it’s on a more limited basis. Generally, if you see someone over the age of 40 acting in an oversexed manner, it’s more ego than anything else and if you actually took them up on their open invitation, they would start to sweat like a bear in a sauna.

Which brings me to another point: Do not get into relationships because you are bored and you crave some drama in your life. Studies say drama is the No. 1 cause of embarrassing Facebook posts. And no one is immune. I was once in a relationship that was so messed up that after every date we would race to our computers to delete the other one on Facebook. I wish I was kidding. I’m sure right now you’re like, “Whatevs, I’m not down with that cray-cray B.S.” If so, then ask yourself the following:

1. Have I ever thrown a cellphone?

2. Have I ever got into a text fight so intense that I drove through multiple red lights?

3. Have I ever asked a friend to decipher the meaning of a two-word text?

4. Have I ever asked another friend to decipher the interpretation of the above friend’s explanation?

5. Have I ever spent more than 15 uninterrupted minutes describing my relationship to someone?

The worst part of being in a crazy relationship is that the longer you stay, the crazier you get. Like you could start out being a wee bit troubled, and then a month later you’re Googling “best techniques for keying a car.”

Nobody emerges from a dysfunctional relationship unscathed. Not even your poor friends, who have to carefully choose their words when describing your partner — never knowing if you will be with them from week to week. “Is he/she coming to dinner? Or is he/she still the human equivalent of a slop pail? Just checking in — no judgment.”

Everyone has had a nutty relationship, but the difference is how long you put up with it. Don’t stay in a relationship just for the sake of having someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve. You know what they say: a moment on the lips ain’t worth a relationship that’s the pits. (Nobody actually says that, but they should!)