Friends must let friends steer their own lives

Dear Annie: My friend “Rachel” is very dear to me. We’ve been best friends since Grade 11. Now that we’ve entered the adult world, however, she’s encountered some difficult situations. She had a drug problem, has always had family problems, lost her licence, owes back taxes and has been unemployed for a year.

Rachel has two male roommates who I’m pretty sure were recently homeless.

She feeds them and cleans up after them. She has always had an extraordinarily generous heart, and while I admire this, I can’t help feeling a little concerned. Not only are these men taking advantage of Rachel, but they aren’t very clean and they cough all over everything. They have a dog who hasn’t been bathed in some time, but is eager to give kisses. Rachel allows this dog to lick up leftovers from dinner.

Am I simply being too judgmental about her living situation, or am I right to worry?

Another friend mentioned that she confronted Rachel about her two roommates, and Rachel became defensive and angry. How can I approach her about this?

Worried and Confused in California

Dear Worried: As long as the dishes are eventually washed with soap and water, it doesn’t matter that the dog licked them and they are piled in the sink. And if Rachel likes to feed and clean up after her roommates, that’s her choice. The coughing is an issue only if it is causing Rachel to become ill. (And if there’s a possibility of pneumonia or TB, we hope the roommates have been checked.)

But it seems to us that Rachel is at loose ends and is possibly using her caregiving skills as a means to avoid finding a job. You can express your concern and suggest she talk to a professional, but beyond that, she has to steer her own course.