Torn between stepdad and sons

Dear Annie: My husband and I have a blended family with his two girls and my three sons.

We had some good times, and we had some bad times, and when I say bad, I mean horrible. Our children are all adults now, and we are still butting heads over them, mostly my boys. He has given up on two of my sons because he says they don’t respect him, not to mention some illegal activity they embarked on.

But I feel as if he’s never really cared for them. I try to help them with rides or letting them wash clothes at our house or whatever I can do. People mature at different levels, and maybe I help too much, but they are my kids. My husband says that because I help them against his wishes, it means I love them more than him. That isn’ttrue.

One son is homeless and has to look for a place to stay every night. That breaks my heart. My husband found him downstairs sleeping one morning and told me that I’d better get him out or he would call the police. He won’t even allow me to let my son shower here.

At what point do you give up on your kids and choose your husband instead? I feel like such a horrible mom.

Dear Worried: Your husband should not be issuing ultimatums wherein you must choose between the man you love and the children you love. This creates tremendous resentment. Your husband may have good cause to want the kids out of the house, but it’s difficult when they have no place to go. How old are they? Do they have jobs? Would you temporarily assist with their rent if it got them out of the house? Are there substance-abuse issues that need treatment? Try Because I Love You ( bily. org), and ask your husband to work with you on this.