Kids will love Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia se­quel

Par­ents might hate it, but Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia 3 will en­ter­tain the kids

Saskatoon StarPhoenix - - FRONT PAGE - ½outof5 Cast: Adam San­dler, Kathryn Hahn, Se­lena Gomez Di­rec­tor: Gen­ndy Tar­takovsky Du­ra­tion: 1h37m CHRIS KNIGHT ck­night@post­media.com twit­ter.com/chrisknight­film

At a re­cent Satur­day morn­ing pro­mo­tional screen­ing of Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia 3: Sum­mer Va­ca­tion, a small voice could be heard oc­ca­sion­ally whin­ing: “I don’t like this!” and “I want to leave.”

Un­til the six-year-old sit­ting next to me fi­nally turned and asked me to be quiet.

So I hun­kered down for the rest of the an­i­mated movie’s 97 min­utes and com­posed a song about it (to the tune of the Ea­gles hit Ho­tel Cal­i­for­nia). I hope you like it:

In a dark movie the­atre, AC in my hair And the smell of Mal­te­sers ris­ing up through the air

Af­ter six car com­mer­cials, I saw the logo ap­pear

“Sony Pic­tures An­i­ma­tion” it said

I felt a quiv­er­ing fear

They made The Emoji Movie!

But Chance of Meat­balls as well

And so I’m think­ing to my­self

This could be heaven or this could be hell Then I heard Adam San­dler

Do Lu­gosi I’d say

Others voices in the cast piped up

I thought I heard them say ...

Wel­come to the Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia Where they take a trip

On a gi­ant ship

This is the third part of the Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia And I think it’s cursed

’Cause they’re get­ting worse

The vil­lain’s name is Van Hels­ing He’s got it in for poor Drac

He’s got some pretty, pretty evil plans And a crew of skip­jack

But the mon­sters are ig­no­rant

Of his car­toon­ish plot

Some gags I re­mem­ber

But most I for­got

So I yelled at the writ­ers: “You ripped off Looney Tunes! I haven’t seen hu­mour this old

Since Satur­day morn­ing car­toons”

And still that Gomez and Sam­berg are play­ing along

I don’t mind their live-ac­tion stuff

But this just feels wrong

Wel­come to the Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia

With a cameo

From Mel Brooks you know

But even his wit can’t save Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia From its Tin­der jokes

For the older folks

Mon­ster/ hu­man lov­ing

Oldies on the sound­track

But I say: “The ’90s called your movie up They want The Macarena back” Back when Ho­tel 2 came out

The crit­ics gath­ered for the feast We stabbed it with our cru­ellest barbs But we just can’t kill this beast

Last thing I re­mem­ber

The cli­max hit the screen

But it was just a hash of Tomb Raider stunts That I had al­ready seen

“Re­lax,” said the di­rec­tor

“It’s your kids I’m work­ing for

The only thing they’ll love more than this Is Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia 4!”

PHO­TOS: SONY

Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia 3: Sum­mer Va­ca­tion in­tro­duces sev­eral new cast mem­bers, in­clud­ing Jim Gaf­fi­gan as the voice of Van Hels­ing.

Mavis (voiced by Se­lena Gomez) and Jonathan (Andy Sam­berg) take a cruise in Ho­tel Tran­syl­va­nia 3.

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