Kids will love Hotel Transylvania sequel
Parents might hate it, but Hotel Transylvania 3 will entertain the kids
At a recent Saturday morning promotional screening of Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, a small voice could be heard occasionally whining: “I don’t like this!” and “I want to leave.”
Until the six-year-old sitting next to me finally turned and asked me to be quiet.
So I hunkered down for the rest of the animated movie’s 97 minutes and composed a song about it (to the tune of the Eagles hit Hotel California). I hope you like it:
In a dark movie theatre, AC in my hair And the smell of Maltesers rising up through the air
After six car commercials, I saw the logo appear
“Sony Pictures Animation” it said
I felt a quivering fear
They made The Emoji Movie!
But Chance of Meatballs as well
And so I’m thinking to myself
This could be heaven or this could be hell Then I heard Adam Sandler
Do Lugosi I’d say
Others voices in the cast piped up
I thought I heard them say ...
Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania Where they take a trip
On a giant ship
This is the third part of the Hotel Transylvania And I think it’s cursed
’Cause they’re getting worse
The villain’s name is Van Helsing He’s got it in for poor Drac
He’s got some pretty, pretty evil plans And a crew of skipjack
But the monsters are ignorant
Of his cartoonish plot
Some gags I remember
But most I forgot
So I yelled at the writers: “You ripped off Looney Tunes! I haven’t seen humour this old
Since Saturday morning cartoons”
And still that Gomez and Samberg are playing along
I don’t mind their live-action stuff
But this just feels wrong
Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania
With a cameo
From Mel Brooks you know
But even his wit can’t save Hotel Transylvania From its Tinder jokes
For the older folks
Monster/ human loving
Oldies on the soundtrack
But I say: “The ’90s called your movie up They want The Macarena back” Back when Hotel 2 came out
The critics gathered for the feast We stabbed it with our cruellest barbs But we just can’t kill this beast
Last thing I remember
The climax hit the screen
But it was just a hash of Tomb Raider stunts That I had already seen
“Relax,” said the director
“It’s your kids I’m working for
The only thing they’ll love more than this Is Hotel Transylvania 4!”