Remember, family is family

The following column was originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: Twenty-five years ago, my ex-wife left me and took our four children with her. I married again a few years later and now have four lovely, intelligent children who make me very happy. The children from my previous marriage are now in their 30s.

My oldest daughter, “Jean,” is a psychologist. Jean has never said I was a bad father, but she makes strange accusations in sporadic messages, such as that I want her to tell me that her life has been terrible. She sent me a birthday gift, but never acknowledges things I send to her, including a photo of her half-siblings. I simply don’t understand her, and for a psychologist, she communicates poorly.

The psychologist has now informed the oldest daughter of my present marriage that she will visit us soon, regardless of whether she is in my “good book or bad book” (her phrase). It seems that Jean is saying she doesn’t care how I feel about her visit, and that she is trying to form an alliance with my children against me, even though she has never met them.

I have great faith in the judgment of the children of my present marriage. I want them to meet their half-sister. But I simply don’t know how to deal with her myself.

Perplexed Father in Newfoundland

Dear Perplexed: You and Jean obviously have a distant relationship. We suspect she thinks you “abandoned” her for your new family, whether true or not, and is still nursing some hurt over it. Consider this visit an opportunity to remedy the situation. Welcome her with open arms. Tell her how much you love her and hope to get to know her better as the competent adult she is. Don’t rehash the past or place blame on her mother. You also can enlist the help of your other children. Please try.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.