Adult son not talk­ing shows some im­ma­tu­rity

Saskatoon StarPhoenix - - WEEKEND - I Shared It with Friends

Dear An­nie: A year ago, I had an ar­gu­ment, mostly via text, with my 37-year-old son. He was threat­en­ing to leave his bride of two weeks. I tried to get him to un­der­stand that he had made a se­ri­ous com­mit­ment and shouldn’t throw it away so eas­ily.

Un­for­tu­nately, things es­ca­lated to in­clude more per­sonal feel­ings on both sides.

De­spite a rocky first year, he re­cently cel­e­brated his first an­niver­sary. How­ever, since the dis­agree­ment, he has re­fused to speak to me. I emailed, texted and called, apol­o­giz­ing and beg­ging him to talk this out.

I ac­knowl­edged his birth­day and Christ­mas with gifts but re­ceived no re­sponse.

I then ceased at­tempts to con­tact him for sev­eral months, hop­ing to give him some space. Still noth­ing. My daugh­ter-in-law and

I have main­tained a fairly close re­la­tion­ship, and she fre­quently en­cour­ages my son to con­tact me, as have some of his friends and even my ex-hus­band.

It hasn’t helped.

My heart is bro­ken, which he knows. I re­al­ize I hurt him with some of the things I said, but my pain is deep as well. I am open to what­ever he needs to make this bet­ter, but he will not take even the small­est step to rec­on­cile.

No one un­der­stands why he is act­ing like this. What else can

I do to fix it? I miss my son. — Shat­tered Mom in Michi­gan

Dear Mom: Your son’s will­ing­ness to trash his mar­riage af­ter two weeks and his in­abil­ity to work through your ar­gu­ment in­di­cate that he is emo­tion­ally im­ma­ture and prone to rash de­ci­sions.

We sug­gest you send a let­ter or email sim­ply say­ing you are deeply re­morse­ful for the things you said and for hurt­ing him, and that your door will al­ways be open in the hope that he can some day for­give you.

Don’t ar­gue that he hurt you, too. Don’t claim you spoke in the heat of the mo­ment. Don’t beg to talk to him. You’ve done what you can. The next move is his. He may come around when ev­ery­one stops pres­sur­ing him. Mean­while, be grate­ful his wife stays in touch.

Dear An­nie: I am a 70-year-old widow. Two years ago, a friend told me that a class­mate, “Tom,” wanted to get in touch with me. The friend gave me Tom’s phone num­ber, and a few months later, I called. We had a lovely con­ver­sa­tion and still talk at least once a week.

Here’s the prob­lem: Tom said he was com­ing to visit, but he hasn’t. He drives a truck and is semi-re­tired, so he can pretty much drive when he wants.

From his place to mine would take 12 hours, but he has fam­ily here, so it seems odd that he still calls but there has been no visit.

I hope you can clear up this mys­tery. Tom is a wid­ower, but if he had a girl­friend, I know he wouldn’t be call­ing me ev­ery week. Pene­lope in Port­land

Dear Pene­lope: Well, Tom could have a girl­friend and still call you. More likely, the 12-hour drive is too daunt­ing. The only way to know is to ask. Next time you speak to Tom, say that you are look­ing for­ward to see­ing him and ask whether he is se­ri­ous about vis­it­ing. Try to pin down a date.

Dear An­nie: “Fi­nally at Peace” said she de­cided to fo­cus on those grand­chil­dren she is close to in­stead of mourn­ing the ones she is not. Please let her know she has touched me and given me en­cour­age­ment.

Two of my chil­dren want noth­ing to do with me (for dif­fer­ent rea­sons). I do not get to see those grand­chil­dren. Her let­ter made me re­al­ize that I should cel­e­brate with and be grate­ful for the ones I have. Thank you.

This Clas­sic An­nie’s Mailbox col­umn was orig­i­nally pub­lished in 2013. An­nie’s Mailbox is writ­ten by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, long­time ed­i­tors of the Ann Lan­ders col­umn. Ques­tions: an­nies­mail­box@cre­ators. com; Face­book.com/AskAn­nies; or An­nie’s Mailbox, c/o Cre­ators Syn­di­cate, 737 Third Street, Her­mosa Beach, CA 90254

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