Sibling rivalry affects adults, too
This column was originally published in 2013.
Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our early 80s. We have four children. “John” and “Susan” are from my first marriage. They were very young when my first husband died and I remarried. I then had “Jane” and “Alice.”
On my most recent birthday, Jane took my husband and me to our favourite restaurant. Jane also invited Alice, who lives in a rental on our property. (Susan lives in another state.) Alice posted on Facebook about what a nice dinner we had. The next morning, Susan called Alice at 4 a.m., screaming, “Why didn’t you invite John?” She then proceeded to call me and scream.
I sent her an email later and asked why she was so upset. I love John, but he has made a mess of his life. He is a bully and has had confrontations with everyone in the family. We recently found out that John molested Alice when she was 5 years old. Alice is cordial when she is forced to be around him, but John has never admitted or apologized for his actions.
My older kids are not terribly reliable. We named Jane executor of our estate because Susan is a heavy pot smoker and quick-tempered, and John cannot be trusted. It breaks my heart, but that’s the way it is.
Susan hasn’t spoken to me in months. I now believe she and John have always been jealous of my younger daughters. Even though my husband raised them all, Susan has said hurtful things about him.
I pine for Susan every day, but I refuse to phone her because of the awful things she says to me. My husband says we only have a few years left, and we should enjoy them. What do you think? Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Itis not unusual for children, even grown ones, to harbour resentments and jealousies against younger siblings, particularly when those siblings are from a different marriage. While your older kids could have benefited from family counselling at the time, there’s not much you can do about that now. We suggest you send Susan a letter or an email, simply saying that you love her and always will, that you are sorry for the rift and that you hope someday her anger will pass.
Dear Annie: Please tell “Polly Positive” that she and her husband should attend a cancer support group. After my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we joined two cancer support groups. We get a lot of information from the survivors and are able to give advice to the newly diagnosed. I can’t stress enough how important support groups are. Support Group Advocate Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.