What do you call the next stupid war?

Well it looks like the gloves are off. Following the latest in a series of missile tests by North Korea, American President, Donald Trump , has warned his counterpart, Korean leader Kim Jong Un, that he’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’. In his harshest statement yet, Trump said, “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.”

Now, setting aside the fire bombing of Coventry and Dresden in WW II, and to say nothing of the attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, it’s still a pretty serious threat. For his part Kim replied in kind with the diplomatic version of “Nyah, nyah, you don’t scare me.”

If the U.S. and Korea actually get into a shooting war it could be a disaster for everyone, particularly North Korea’s immediate neighbours, China, Japan and South Korea, which are just a military stone throw away from the loonies in the Hermit Kingdom. It would also gives rise to another problem. What would we call this latest potential military encounter?

It’s unlikely the conflict would spread so World War III is an unlikely moniker. History is full, however, of oddly named military campaigns that might offer some guidelines. The Hundred Years War was fought between 1337 and 1453 which should have really made it The Hundred and Sixteen Years War – and made about as much sense as today’s conflict. It featured two French families, the Valois who lived in France and the Plantagenets who had taken over England but still had a stone condo or two and some beach front property in Normandy. They were both descendents of the Capets which made them cousins but didn’t stop them from slaughtering each other on and off in order to decide who would be king of France.

Then there were the Wars of the Roses. This pitted two parts of the English royal family, the house of York and the House of Lancaster against one another. The name of this squabble had nothing to do with the protagonists’ gardening skills but referred to the family symbol of each – a white rose for York and a red rose for Lancaster. Horticulture aside, this one ran from 1455 to1485 and involved the slaughter of brothers, sisters , nephews, nieces and a king or two.

About two hundred and fifty years later Britain got into a shooting scrap with Spain called the War of Jenkins’ Ear. This one was part and parcel of Britain’s ongoing conflict with the Iberians over trading rights, the Polish succession and a number of other items. As the story goes Captain Jenkins, of the Royal Navy, had an ear cut off by the Spanish Coast Guard which he later displayed before Parliament during a show and tell session.

There have been others. The Soccer War in 1969 between El Salvador and Honduras, better known locally as La Guerra del fúbol, was so short it was also called the 100 Hour War. The Beaver Wars, which ran throughout the 17th century, were also called the French-iroquois Wars and resulted in the virtual disappearance of the Huron, Neutral, Erie, Susquehanock and Shawnee nations all at the hands of the Iroquois.

So what will this one be called? The most outstanding feature of the leader of both sides, apart from a rather astounding disconnect with reality, is probably their hair style. Kim Jong Un features a gravity defying, box cut that resembles the fur hat of a Grenadier Guard. Trump, meanwhile, is still sporting the front-swept, orange-tinged look that would be equally at home on a Sesame Street Muppet. Maybe the Bryl Cream Battle. Lets hope it doesn’t come to that.