OMG I’m so angry

Dear Annie: My friend “Brianna” and I recently got into a fight via text messaging. She was trying to plan a surprise girls trip for our friend’s 30th birthday. She was texting a couple of other friends and me suggestions of places we might go, with links to vacation rentals. The places she was suggesting were out of my price range, though, and I politely said so. We went back and forth on this point for a bit, and then she said, “Well, are you sure you should even go on this trip if it’s just not in your budget?”

I couldn’t believe she’d be so rude as to say something like that in front of our other friends (digitally, at least). At that point, I just went off and told her she was being selfish. Things devolved from there, and eventually the text conversation ended for the night.

The next day, I felt anxious and regretted the fight. I still wanted to go on this trip, and for the sake of smoothing things over, I sent her a private message apologizing. I expected she would apologize as soon as I did. But to my amazement, all she said was, “It’s OK.” “It’s OK”? As if I had been in the wrong! Everyone ended up settling on a local place to celebrate our friend’s birthday, and it turns out I can afford to go — but now I’m so angry with Brianna that I don’t even want to. Who was wrong, Annie? — Sorry Not Sorry

Dear Sorry Not Sorry: You’re both wrong for not picking up the phone and calling the second things got tense. Text fights are for people who don’t want to find solutions.

But your false apology takes you down another peg. “Sorry” is like “I love you”; you should never say it just to hear it back. It’s emotionally manipulative. It’s also prone to backfiring. Just look at your predicament. You’ve painted yourself into a corner, one you can’t get out of without looking like a fool and making an even bigger mess. I say swallow your pride on this one and digest the lesson.

Dear Annie: This is in response to the letter from “Unsure in Ithaca.” The loss of “Unsure’s” sister’s unborn child is very real. Yes, she wants to move on. However, the pain is real, and she is hurting.

My sister miscarried a child. From her experience, here’s what not to say. (Believe it or not, these things were said to her.) “It was a blessing the baby died.” “You can try again and have another.” (They already had hopes, dreams and aspirations for the baby they lost. A new baby isn’t a replacement.) “The baby was deformed.” “There was something wrong with the baby, and it’s better off dead.” “You didn’t deserve that baby, so God took it.” As far as ways to cope, my sister bought a fairly large angel centerpiece for her dining room table. It’s her reminder that she has her own angel in heaven. It’s there for all the big celebrations. She also bought an angel Christmas tree ornament. It is hung every year, along with “baby’s first Christmas” ornaments. — Big Sister Dear Big Sister: Thank you for sharing. Dear Annie: Three years ago, my former high school sweetheart and I had a one-night stand. We both live in different states, but I was visiting my family.

Although we didn’t have intercourse, he seems to dwell on this night.

For example, when he knew that I was planning a visit the following year, he booked a hotel room. I never encouraged him to do that or indicated that we’d get together again. In my opinion, he was being presumptuous. He saw it as being hopeful.

I have been in a long-term relationship and felt guilty about the one-night stand. I love the man deeply. The ex wished him dead. He said he was joking. I say that many a truth is spoken in jest.

I communicate with him occasionally, but that’s only because I have a sibling who was in a tumultuous relationship and the ex would tell me about any drama associated with that. But in texts and phone conversations, he talks suggestively, inappropriately and rude, getting too intimate. He’s declared, “I’ll never give up” and “It’ll never be over.” I know that he’s not involved with anyone. My question: Is this obsessive behavior? — Confused

Dear Confused: If you really want this man to stop holding a candle for you, all you have to do is blow it out. I’m not convinced you do. The situation with your sibling is no excuse to stay in touch, and the fact that you’ve continued talking to him on such dubious grounds suggests you might be getting something out of these exchanges after all — validation, perhaps. That’s not healthy.

It’s time to shut it down. Tell this man, in no uncertain terms, that you have zero romantic interest in him and you want him to stop contacting you. Block his number. If he starts stalking you or seriously threatening your boyfriend’s safety, document everything and take out a restraining order. But I have a feeling this old Romeo won’t come calling if he sees that the balcony door is closed, locked and boarded.

Dear Annie: I’m a woman in my 70s. I’ve noticed that people have written to you about issues they face in retirement. There are so many of us older adults, and our numbers are growing rapidly. One overarching theme I’ve noticed is that we’d all like to feel we have some purpose — that we are needed and valued in some way. Many people facing retirement ask themselves, “What will I do now?” I would appreciate your advice on grappling with that question. — J.M.

Dear J.M.: The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in helping others. There are countless ways to volunteer. Serve as a docent at a museum you love; mentor elementary school students at an underserved school; help out at a local hospital; foster cats or dogs. Visit https://www.volunteermatch.org to find opportunities specific to your location and your interests.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.