Pipe down Dear Annie

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2 & WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2018

Dear Annie: My 36-year-old stepson, “Greg,” acts as if he’s married to my husband. It’s like a constant battle to outdo me. When my husband and I go on vacation, Greg whines to Daddy that he never takes him anywhere. On Wednesday, which is Greg’s day off, he will plan something for lunchtime so my husband will be gone while I’m home. I work second shift. Greg has been horribly spoiled by his mother and father and thinks he’s entitled to everything. I have quite a few grandkids, and Greg doesn’t like that his dad spends time with them, so he calls his dog his dad’s grandchild and expects him to buy her birthday and Christmas gifts and gifts at different times throughout the year.

I’m ready to snap. For any holiday, Greg will tell his dad where to take him to eat and say, “And don’t bring her!” My husband will never stick up for me, and if I try to say something about any of this, he tells me he doesn’t want to hear it. I love my husband, but I’m about done with all of this. Help, please! — Frustrated With Ungrateful Kid

Dear Frustrated With Ungrateful Kid: It sounds as though you’re more frustrated with your husband’s refusal to stick up for you than you are with anything else. You have to talk with him about how your feelings are hurt when Greg says he does not want you there. Tell your husband that you don’t want to have to fight for his time and attention. And to this same end, make sure that you are not being competitive with Greg. For instance, if Greg values his dog almost as a child, you should allow him that and not put down his father’s giving the dog some presents. Instead, focus on the attention and love your husband gives to your grandchildren and tell him how much you appreciate it. Your husband tries hard to please Greg and your grandchildren. All that’s left is for him to treat you the same way.

Dear Annie: Thanks for saying people who are often late tend to be optimists. I appreciate that characterization, especially because I often cut things very close — although I usually make it just in time.

I want to share the technique used by many I know for dealing with people who are chronically late: Tell them everything starts earlier than it does. That way, they arrive on time, and you don’t have to sit around waiting.

If you know the person is always late and value the person’s friendship, it’s easy to take that into account and adjust your own attitude and behavior. Appreciate the person’s good qualities, and forgive the annoying ones. All of us have something we do that bothers someone else. — Ellen

Dear Ellen: Indeed, we do — and I’d be out of a job if we didn’t.

Dear Annie: I have a friend who talks very loudly. It’s quite annoying and irritating. She’s so loud that it sounds as though she’s angry or upset. Friends and family members have asked me numerous times why she talks so loudly. I have asked her nicely a million times to lower her voice. Soon after telling her, the volume goes back up, even when she is sitting right next to me. What is surprising is that she does not realize how loudly she talks. This person had her hearing tested about a year ago as part of a routine medical checkup, and her hearing was considered normal for her age. She tells me that she has been talking loudly all her life and gets annoyed when asked to lower the volume. Why is it that she cannot lower her voice even when she’s been asked politely? Can such a nasty habit be changed? Would a speech therapist help? Do breathing exercises exist that could help her lower her voice? Could it be that she has some unknown medical problem? It’s come to the point that I cannot stand it anymore and this bad habit is hurting our friendship. — Loudness Sufferer

Dear Loudness Sufferer: Perhaps she was born with large vocal cords or is suffering a subtler form of hearing loss not detected in basic tests. (You might encourage her to see a specialist to rule that out.) Whatever the reason for her loud talking, her worse habit is refusing to hear her friends. Before it totally ruins the friendship, let her know how it hurts your feelings when she disregards your pleas.

Dear Annie: I bet you haven’t heard this one before. My husband has narcolepsy. His assessment at the sleep clinic indicated that he goes into REM sleep instantly.

He usually stays up until almost 2 in the morning and often gets up at 6. Unfortunately, I am unable to fall into a deep sleep until he comes to bed, because I know his getting in bed will cause a stir and wake me up. The problem is I am barely functioning — and it causes fights when I try to get him to come to bed at a reasonable time. I adapted when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s been much more difficult. I realize that this is my problem — even though if he slept more, it would probably have a beneficial effect for him, too. (He has a lot of health issues.) I don’t know how to cope anymore. — Sleepless in Spokane

Dear Sleepless in Spokane: These days, many couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and I’m not talking about unhappy couples. In fact, these are very happy couples — because both partners are able to get a good night’s rest, even if they have different sleeping habits.

If you don’t have a spare bedroom, consider getting two twin beds. I’ve heard from many readers who have solved sleeping differences with spouses this way. One can get into bed without worrying that the rustling of covers and shifting of the mattress will wake the sleeping partner.

Though sleeping in separate beds might not be how you always pictured a happy marriage, what’s really important is that you cherish your waking hours together.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.