Divorce blocks out Grandma Dear Annie

TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 2018

Dear Annie: I am hoping that you can help me solve this problem. My son recently divorced the mother of his two children. My former daughter-in-law has decided to unfriend me on Facebook and talk negatively about me to others. I would like to still be able to show my friends pictures of my grandchildren from her Facebook page. I am very sorry that their marriage did not endure. I have not treated her negatively. Do you have any suggestions that would help me reconnect with her? — Blocked Out

Dear Blocked Out: The divorce was recent, and the wounds are fresh. When she speaks negatively about you, that’s probably her pain talking. Rather than call, text or email, take a gentler, less invasive approach: Write a letter. Tell her exactly what you told me — that you’re sorry the marriage ended but you still care about her and the grandkids. Once she has had some time to heal, she may be better able to see the benefits of having you in her children’s lives.

Dear Annie: I agree that “Distressed in Utah” should set boundaries for family members regarding what she will do in retirement. I can speak to the importance of this as someone who has guarded my free time in retirement. Many family members and friends assume that the newly retired person will have nothing to do and will be bored and lonely. And 50 years ago, that might have been true. But today, most of us retirees have hobbies and activities that keep us occupied, and we feel confident enough to treat ourselves to the luxury of sleeping in if we want to, after years of having that luxury only rarely.

I love my family members, and I love my grandchildren, but I am determined to maintain those boundaries and protect my ability to finally live a life I choose. I want to be a grandmother, not a baby sitter or a surrogate parent.

I assume this woman’s children think she will be bored and lonely, and they probably like the idea of having the grandchildren with someone they can trust without question. But that doesn’t mean Grandma should give up her long-anticipated freedom. And if Grandma’s husband, who wants her to be a full-time servant to his elderly father, believes that his father’s having care is so important, perhaps he should quit his job instead and take care of his own father. I’m guessing her husband would be more than happy to pay for a housekeeper or order Meals on Wheels if faced with that option. After being retired for a while, if “Distressed” feels she’d like to spend a day a week with her grandchildren, she certainly could offer that option to her kids — but it’s hers to decide and to offer, not theirs to expect or demand. — Love Being Retired

Dear Love Being Retired: Beautifully said. Bravo for boundaries!

Dear Annie: In response to “Just Saying,” who holds the door for female customers and then stews if they queue ahead of him: When you don’t want to be passed, simply enter first but hold the door ajar behind you for the next customer to take. It’s still a nice gesture, for which women today are unlikely to fault you. — Adaptable

Dear Adaptable: This is the sort of solution I like: practical and polite. I wish I’d thought of it. Thanks for writing.

Dear Annie: My situation is the classic example you would find in a college psychiatry textbook in a chapter dealing with mental cause and effect, and your input to solve it is necessary.

Recently, I had serious financial and medical setbacks, including being informed that I must wear a urinary collection bag 24/7. Then I erupted by email at one of my seven mature children over some inconsequential issue and said some nasty words over things that basically had nothing to do with what my son had emailed me about. After several disgusting retorts back and forth, I forwarded the chain to the other six children and got some very bad comments from several of them.

As a result of their (justifiable) outrage, I have not had any contact with three of these adult children for several years now. I have sent what I intended to be sincere apologies and begged for forgiveness, suggesting they recall all the good times of our past. And I accepted all of the blame for the original heated email exchange between my son and me.

I now realize that my lashing out had nothing to do with the actual words that were being said but instead was a result of my subconsciously feeling the need to lash out at the first person who crossed me.

Would a third party be the best way for a final solution to bring the entire family back together? Might one of the four children who are still talking to me act as a mediator, or might they receive the same coldness from their siblings because of their contact with me?

If not one of the four children, who else might you suggest to act as a third party to resolve this? I have done all that I can do, with zero responses! I am in my 90s, and I do not want this complete deprivation of contact with my family members in my very late years, especially considering that I had so many decades of great relationships with all of them before. — Puzzled Great-grandpa

Dear Puzzled: Kudos for stepping up and taking the blame. That’s not easy. Your children either didn’t fully believe your apology to be sincere or weren’t ready to hear it. Try getting the whole family together in person so you can state again how sorry you are, and enlist the help of a counselor or a religious adviser for mediation. But let go of any expectations. Prepare yourself mentally for the fact that these three children still may not want to hear it. Focus instead on what you can control: your attitude.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.