Husband’s friend behaving inappropriately Dear Annie

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2018

Dear Annie: My family (my husband, our young kids and I) vacations with two other families once or twice a year. My husband went to school with the other two husbands, and they are best friends. I have developed great friendships with their wives, and our kids are all similar ages and get along.

We have a great time, but one of the husbands always finds a way to make me uncomfortable. During our most recent vacation, while we were saying our goodbyes and loading up the cars, he grabbed my breast as he pulled me in for a hug. I was stunned and immediately pulled away. He quickly turned around and went on to hug everyone else as if nothing had happened. I debated whether to say anything, but I let it go. However, this violation keeps eating at me. (The other time he made me feel uncomfortable was when the adults had all met up for a long weekend. While dancing at a concert, he came up behind me and starting grinding against me. I thought he was joking and laughed at him, but he continued until I left the dance floor. He did this when his wife had gone to the bathroom and my husband was getting drinks, so I think it was purposeful.)

If I told my husband, I’m sure he would cut off his friendship with this guy. I’m torn because I would hate to see my husband lose one of his good friends and for us to lose out on these otherwise great vacations.

I backed out of the most recent adult vacation (claiming our baby sitter had bailed) because I just wanted to avoid this guy. Yet in the wake of the #Metoo movement, why should I miss out on vacation time when it’s this guy who is making me feel uncomfortable? I share everything with my husband, so keeping this from him is making me feel awkward.

Should I forgive these transgressions and keep them to myself or find a way to tell the guy to knock it off or let my husband know what’s going on? — Quiet for Now

Dear Quiet for Now: It’s not your job to protect this predator. Whatever fallout comes is what he’s got coming to him. He’s repeatedly made very conscious, calculated decisions to violate you. Our actions have consequences, and he is no exception. Tell your husband what’s up, and don’t worry about his losing a “good friend.” This man was never a good friend.

Dear Annie: I would like to offer an alternative viewpoint for “Child of the South.” I think that sometimes we jump to conclusions about why people do what they do and then judge them on what we think are the facts. “Child of the South” is assuming her sister-in-law feels entitled. Though that may be the case, it may also be that her sister-in-law is embarrassed about the condition of her houses, or perhaps she feels that she doesn’t cook as well as “Child of the South.” There could be many reasons, but to get angry without knowing for sure could harm an otherwise excellent relationship. I hope “Child of the South” chooses a way to either talk with her sister-in-law or find a way to enjoy her company without the expectation that the hospitality will be reciprocated. Loving relationships are hard enough to maintain without destroying them by keeping score. — Counting Blessings Rather Than Beans

Dear Counting Blessings: I love your signature. Yours is an attitude we should all strive for. Thanks for writing.

Dear Annie: I have a friend, “Rosie,” who kicked me out to the curb (metaphorically speaking) when her sister moved into her mobile home park.

Prior to her sister’s moving into the neighborhood, Rosie and I saw a lot of each other. I was always sewing for Rosie, her husband and her mother-in-law at little or no cost. I sent food to her after her surgery. I helped Rosie’s sister with planning Rosie’s 60th birthday party.

Meanwhile, when I had health issues and told her, she didn’t contact me afterward to see how I was. When I had a baby shower for my daughter, she did not attend. Then she promised she’d send a gift after the arrival of the baby, but she never did.

She now only calls me on her way to work. I started to distance myself from her, and it didn’t seem to faze her. This has been going on for almost a year now. After several weeks of not hearing from her she texted me to sew her husband’s pants. I have thought of confronting her, as I am very hurt by how she has treated me. Do you think I should end this friendship? — Forgotten Friend

Dear Forgotten Friend: No one can read your mind, not even your closest friend. Rosie probably has no idea you’re feeling this way. She does still call you, after all: You say “only” on her way to work, but that’s pretty darn often.

So she’s been busier over the last year, and, yes, maybe spending a lot of time with her sister that she previously would have spent with you. That doesn’t mean she’s replaced you. Talk to her about how you’re feeling, but avoid making accusations or placing the blame on her. Instead, tell her that you miss her and have felt out of her loop for the past year. If she continues being distant after the talk, there’s no need to lash out. Simply take it as your cue to move on and focus more on yourself and on fostering new friendships.

Dear Annie: “Merging Maven” has prodded me to write. My husband and I have driven in all 50 states over the years, and have had many discussions about the proper way to merge from two lanes to one, mostly at construction sites. One state (I wish I could recall which one!) posted this sign when two lanes had to become one: “Use both lanes to merge point, AND then take turns.” It kept traffic flowing and didn’t ruffle drivers’ feathers. We both commented that it was a sensible solution to the problem. We haven’t seen it used since then and now wonder if it was just part of some study. But it was an easy fix for an irritating and potentially hazardous problem, and should become the standard rule for merging. — Road Warrior

Dear Road Warrior: Perhaps the zipper merge would catch on more if there were signs such as these, concisely explaining the concept and giving drivers permission to use it. It’s a wonder more states haven’t tried this. Thanks for writing in.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.