Too late for an obit? Dear Annie

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2018

Dear Annie: I have a work colleague whose married son died about six months ago of cancer. His son was in his 40s.

My friend is upset that his son’s wife never put an obituary in the newspaper. Seeing as it is still bothering him, I said he should put one in the paper himself. But he thinks it is too late now.

It seems as if more and more people are just posting funeral information on social media and not putting it in newspapers. I understand why he wants it in the newspaper, as it would create more of a permanent record of his son’s passing. Although, I realize that posting on social media is easier and gets to the appropriate audience. Your thoughts? Should he put it in the newspaper even six months later, or is it too late? — Are Obituaries Over?

Dear Are Obituaries Over?: It’s never too late to honor our loved ones. Despite the ubiquity of social media, printing an obituary in the newspaper remains the best way to commit to record someone’s life when the person has passed on to the next. Additionally, according to a 2017 Nielsen Scarborough study, 69 percent of adults in the U.S. read the newspaper, so it’s an ideal medium for reaching the community. There most likely are some people who knew his son at one point but fell out of contact and would not otherwise know of his death. Encourage your friend to contact the local paper about submitting an obituary commemorating the life of his beloved son.

Dear Annie: I have been a faithful reader of this column for some time and have never seen the subject of paranoid personality disorder here. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago, but it was only recently that PPD was diagnosed. When I Googled paranoid personality disorder, I was shocked to see that I match the disorder symptom for symptom. That explains why I have been paranoid and angry for so long.

I am now estranged from most of my family and friends. After constantly having to put up with my suspicious nature and anger, they have disowned me, including my husband, who divorced me. My kids don’t want anything to do with me, and I am not allowed to see my grandchildren.

I feel helpless to fight for them to be back in my life, because I have hurt them greatly. If I tried to explain that it was this mental illness that made me act that way, they might be even more apprehensive of me. I suspected everyone in my life to be my enemy, and in the end, that’s what everyone became.

Could you please let your readers know what the symptoms of paranoid personality disorder are and that there are support groups available online? — My Own Worst Enemy

Dear Own Worst Enemy: I am so sorry that this disorder has cost you so much. I am glad to hear you’ve found some support, and I hope things improve for you in time. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience here so that others might learn from it.

Dear Annie: I am the youngest of five siblings between the ages of 63 and 72. Our parents are deceased. There was much stress over the loss of our mother four years ago. We each received a big inheritance. However, there was much tension over the money.

They all come here to vacation, and this is where my mother lived. It is stressful for me because they do not consider anyone else’s desires when it comes to how we spend time with one another. This year, my husband had a dental abscess, and we wanted change dinner plans to accommodate his eating, yet they refused. We met them at their restaurant and accommodated them.

They then say we are the ones who do not meet their needs. This happens every year, and it makes me think that perhaps I should not be here when they come. It makes me very upset. It takes me a while after they leave to regroup. This year, I received two not-verynice emails from my sisters telling me “it is all about” me. These visits never end well. There does not appear to be any concern or love from them. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it me? — One of Five

Dear One of Five: You are the captain of your own feelings’ ship, so I will never tell you not to feel a certain way. But it does appear that every year, you are getting upset about your siblings’ visit. All relationships require compromise and really listening to the other person’s needs. In this case, you didn’t feel that your husband’s needs were met because of his dental emergency, and your siblings, especially your sisters, didn’t feel that their needs were being listened to or met.

It would be nice to take a vote in the future to plan your dining and other activities. That way, there are no surprises. No family is perfect, but we only get one. Try to find the positive and loving experiences in your visits with them.

Dear Annie: This is the first time I have written to you. I just wanted to say something to mothers who gave up their children for adoption, though I know there are many different reasons for doing so. I want to thank them for giving me two beautiful children, a son and daughter. I gave up a really high-paying job that I loved in order to bring up my children. My childrearing days were the happiest ones of my life, bar none. My late husband loved them both dearly, and they loved him.

They have continued to enrich my life, and I am very proud of them and love them dearly. My daughter is my rock and support, and my son is also there for me. I am the proud grandmother of my son’s two children. I have had a full and interesting life but still count the days when they were babies as the most special days of my life. — A Mother

Dear Mother: Thank you so much for writing. Your letter touched my heart, and I’m so happy to pass along your message to all the birth parents of adopted children. Congratulations on bringing up your children to become such strong and loving people — and on becoming a grandmother, too.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.