Your pos­si­ble Os­cars hosts

Sherbrooke Record - - FRONT PAGE - Ross Mur­ray

With the Os­cars just two months away and awards sea­son al­ready feel­ing like it’s gone on too long, the Academy of Mo­tion Pic­ture Arts and Science and Facelifts still hasn’t come up with any­one to host Hol­ly­wood’s Great­est Night. Would-be host Kevin Hart stepped away from the em­cee du­ties fol­low­ing rev­e­la­tions of past ho­mo­pho­bic tweets. And with no other celebrity par­tic­u­larly in­ter­est in putting them­selves un­der that so­cial-me­dia mi­cro­scope, the Academy is now scram­bling to find a pos­si­ble host. Here, then, are the cur­rent top can­di­dates:

A Greek cho­rus

Pros

- Would pro­vide much-needed grav­i­tas to an even­ing that has long been a friv­o­lous ex­er­cise in self-con­grat­u­la­tions punc­tu­ated by mawk­ish sanc­ti­mony and ab­so­lutely zero in­trafam­ily slaugh­ter.

- Would of­fer rivet­ing ora­tions like the fol­low­ing: “Who is the man pro­claimed by Del­phi’s prophetic rock and ver­i­fied by the ac­count­ing firm Price­wa­ter­house Coop­ers to be the win­ner of Best Ac­tor in a film, though one that nei­ther the chil­dren of Thebes nor their par­ents at the shrine of Pal­las have both­ered to see, for they have in­stead made pil­grim­age to the tem­ple where Is­menus gives or­a­cles by fire and Ralph Wrecks the In­ter­net is show­ing at 3:45. Hear me, Hol­ly­wood, city of Streep, hon­oured above all, for it is Chris­tian Bale, again with the Amer­i­can ac­cent.”

- Could per­form The Tragedy of La La Land Los­ing to Moon­light.

Cons

- Mob of peo­ple wear­ing white sheets might send wrong mes­sage

- Not union

A 4-year-old named Timmy

Pros

- Though pos­sess­ing a lim­ited range of ma­te­rial (“Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Spi­der-man.” “Spi­der­man who?” “Spi­der-man poopy head.” – then re­peat but with Bat­man, Iron Man, etc.), there is po­ten­tial in do­ing the same joke but with Kevin Spacey.

Cons

- In­sists on per­form­ing clas­sic bit, “Chi­nese, Ja­panese, dirty knees, look at these,” com­plete with ges­tures. When pointed out that this is both sex­ist and racist, Timmy took off run­ning down the cor­ri­dor, shout­ing loudly, “I’m the rac­ing-est of all, and I’m the win­ner!”

- Cer­e­mony well past bed­time

Fur­loughed US fed­eral em­ploy­ees

Pros say

wood Would be adored by the Hol­ly­wood lib­eral elite

- Don’t have to go to work the next morn­ing

Cons

- Be­fore mak­ing their ac­cep­tance speeches, Os­car win­ners would have to fill out Form RS3-8A and wait 6 to 8 weeks

- We wouldn’t want Os­car cer­e­mony to all of a sud­den be­come po­lit­i­cal… Avail­able

Prob­a­bly have a lot of things to

Bob Hope

Pros

Cons Beloved Amer­i­can icon Al­ready hosted Os­cars 19 times

- Dead Com­edy not very top­i­cal

All 10 sea­sons of Friends on au­to­play

Pros

- No sur­prises

- Ev­ery­body loves that Gun­ther! - Could we be more in­ter­ested in the Os­cars?

Cons

- Might run out of sea­sons be­fore Os­cars cer­e­mony ends

A plate of dough­nuts

Pros

- Peo­ple might get hun­gry dur­ing the cer­e­mony

Cons De­li­cious

- Inan­i­mate Carbs

A lit­tle pen­guin

Pros

- Adorable

- Al­ready has a tux

- Un­likely to make di­vi­sive yet ob­vi­ous Trump joke

- Would be an ap­pro­pri­ate ges­ture of sol­i­dar­ity in re­sponse to the #Mepen­guin move­ment

- Works for fish

- Would make po­ten­tial Os­car nom­i­nee Lady Gaga not look like a pen­guin

Cons

- Has tweeted a num­ber of wha­le­o­pho­bic com­ments

- Caught by pa­parazzi get­ting high with James Franco

- Heck, it’s a lit­tle pen­guin. There are no cons! Hire that cutie!

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