All’s fair in love and war . . . especially war

The battle is on. On one side we have the insidious, house-invasive ant. On the other side, General J.M., or as she is affectionately known to the troops, “Old Iron Britches.”

The outcome is far from assured. What the ants lack in size and weaponry they more than make up for in sheer numbers. As for the general, although she has an array of the latest chemical, biological and tactical armament, the difficulty lies in bringing the foe out into the open where they could be drawn into a decisive battle.

This is not the first conflict. Last summer the tiny irritants showed up in the kitchen obviously unaware that their search for food would, for the most part, go un-met since the General, with considerable foresight, had ensured that everything of possible interest to the foraging pests had been placed into glass containers, tape-sealed boxes, or tightly closed tins. All crumbs and leftovers were routinely cleaned up and countertops kept polished. Yet still they came.

Now, the first thought that springs to mind when dealing with this sort of invasion is normally one of eradication. Kill them where they lie. Squash them. Wipe them up. Stamp on them and, if necessary, spray. This, however, is useless since your average ant colony contains about six zillion soldiers and fighting a war of attrition is doomed from the start. Old Iron Britches, like

Maccarthur in Korea, knew there had to be a better way. Fortunately, and uncharacteristically, she decided to read the label on one of the products that guaranteed to rid the house of the invaders.

It should be pointed out here that strictly speaking the use of most of these

over-the-counter ant deterrents are in clear violation of the Geneva Convention and could result in charges of war crimes being laid against the guilty party but hey we’re talking survival of the fittest.

Anyhow, it appears that the best way to rid the house of ants is not to kill them outright. Instead, try to locate their entry point or any area where large numbers congregate. Then place specially designed ant traps at different points along their route. These traps will lure the ants but allow them to go about their business unimpeded. Little do they know that they have become infected and upon returning to the nest, which they always do, they bring that infection with them and wipe out the entire colony.

As an added precaution Old Iron Britches, like any seasoned warrior, doubled down on her efforts to end hostilities once and for all by spreading out drops of liquid ant killer for the ants to walk through. This was guaranteed to work the same way as the traps as long as the ants didn’t wipe their feet before re-entering the nest.

The most difficult part of the process was the waiting, like Eisenhower before D-day. In this case the General had to hold back on the overwhelming urge to pick off individual ants as they roamed the counters and the walls. But it worked. Slowly but surely the number of ants declined and then finally disappeared. All that was left was the occasional straggler. But that was last year.

Recently, we discovered a new intrusion in a new place – the furnished basement. This time it is considerably more difficult to locate the entry point and to place the necessary taps and drops but nevertheless, bolstered by last year’s success, Old Iron Britches has vowed to take on all comers.

There is one difference however. This year’s ants are slightly larger than the previous group.

Perhaps it’s just a different type of ant but then again maybe all those chemicals have caused a mutation and any fan of Sci-fi movies knows where that can end.