A Journey into Mania and Back Again

My path to achieving peace of mind has been a long and windy one. From depression up to mania, then down to a deeper depression and finally, back up to a state of contentment.

I have a disease called Bipolar Disorder.

According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)

"Bipolar disorders are brain disorders that cause changes in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function… People with bipolar disorders have extreme and intense emotional states that occur at distinct times, called mood episodes."

I'm not sure that I was born with this disease, but research suggests that there is a strong genetic element. I was a moody child and extreme in my emotions, views and demands, which could have indicated the presence of this disease. This was chalked up to 'personality' in those days!

My clinical depression started with 9/11. I broke down, cried and couldn't stop crying. I was put on antidepressants. My energy came back, my negative thinking patterns started to change and I was looking positively at a new teaching position!

Everything seemed to be going well the first year. I loved my job even though it exhausted me. But exhaustion took a toll and my medication for depression was doubled.

That's when things started going wrong mentally. I slowly felt my personality change. I became obsessive, spending hours creating posters for upcoming productions.

Physical problems began when I couldn't stomach food. Unexplained aches and pains crept in. The doctor gave me sleeping pills and told me that everything was fine. But, by that time, I was entering hypomania.

"Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms: abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired; increased activity, energy or agitation; exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria); decreased need for sleep."

Full-blown mania was next and things started to get weird. I saw a strange cat in my house, so I impulsively went out to buy one (even though I already had 3). I started to believe that my birds were my reincarnated grandparents, so I spoke to them in Italian. The American Government had me on its 'black list' for being a political science major in university. My brain seemed to be on fire – making all kinds of connections that seemed so logical and real.

This paranoia was confirmed when 2 police officers and 2 mental health workers showed up at my door to ask if everything was alright! My worried brother-inlaw had pressed my psychologist to do this. So what do you do when you have 2 cops at your door with white gloves on? You fake sanity and you don't let them in!! They left satisfied that I was not in crisis. Then my mother came to visit and I wouldn't let her in. My exact words were 'you're here to kill me'…where did that come from? I have no idea!

After many trips to the hospital, I was finally admitted to the psychiatric unit of the Hotel-dieu and I can remember flying high in the wheelchair as they took me up!

The hospital was a great place for my mania. I took over. I started the 'smoking club' and we were a force to be reckoned with. The staff put up a sign about gambling. I had them take it down as I thought it was implying that the smokers were gamblers! I went to court against the Hotel-dieu because I felt my rights were being violated. My husband had no choice but to testify that I needed to stay in the hospital. They gave me a Patients' Rights pamphlet and gave me 2 more weeks in the hospital! I tried calling the police from a pay phone on my floor. I was totally convinced that my sister was taking flying lessons and would land on the roof to take me away.

My saving grace was my husband. He was there through it all…every day…like a rock. He came to the hospital with his guitar to serenade all of us.

After four weeks in the hospital and I finally started coming to. Everything seemed fuzzy – like a dream.

After six weeks I was released but still in a heightened state, looking forward to moving to a country house we bought by the river, but soon depression hit hard. That's a story for another day.

Please check tomorrow’s edition of the Record for part 2: “What Goes up Must Come Down,” by Grace Mazzocca.

Grace Mazzocca was a teacher for the Eastern Townships School Board, Stanstead College and Bishop's University. She now volunteers at Mental Health Estrie (MHE) as a peer supporter and workshop leader, and at the Lennoxville and District Community Aid as a driver for the Meals on Wheels program. Additionally Grace volunteers with MHE to speak publicly about her 18 years of experience with bipolar disorder in order to generate awareness in the Eastern Townships.

Sources: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseasesconditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc20355955

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/bipolardisorders/what-are-bipolar-disorders

Resources:

Mental Health Estrie: Support for English-speaking families and individuals affected by a mental illness. Peer support groups. One-on-one support. Information and referral. Educational events. Lending Library. Web: www.mentalhealthestrie.com Phone: 819-5653777 Email: mhe.info@bellnet.ca

Urgence Detresse Crisis Hotline: 819-780-2222 Suicide Prevention Hotline Across Quebec: 1-866-APPELLE

Info Santé: 811 (option 1 for a nurse, option 2 for a social worker)

CLSC: Call 811 to find your local number

CHUS Hotel-dieu & Fleurimont Hospitals: 819-3461110

Order of Psychologists (Hotline to find a psychologist near you): 1-800-561-1223